Thursday, January 29, 2009

I know how Samson felt.......

I have had many challenges in my life. For example, right now, I'm unemployed, unattached and overweight. However, the biggest challenge has been my hair. You think I'm joking. But this is a very serious matter. After all, I AM a girl.

When I was young, I had reddish brown, kinda curly hair.. which turned browner as I got older.
As a small child my sister Barb and I were subjected to what we now call "the cruel haircuts". My mother would take us to Towers (a precursor to Zellers) and have the "stylist" (I use the term oh so loosely..)cut our hair SHORT. My mother, being part Scottish and thrifty, would economically trim our hair between "salon" visits (again, a term used loosely). We swear that she actually put bowls on our heads. This was all due to the fact that my mother did not like to comb out tangles. For the first several years of my life, I believe most people thought I was a boy who liked dolls. Thus began the horrible scarring on my psyche regarding my hair.

Once our youngest sister, Lara, was born, SHE was allowed to have LONG hair. She was blonde. And apparently her hair was so fine that my mother "didn't have the heart to cut it." Uh huh. No favouritism there. Nope, not at all. Nope. Not bitter. nope.

My hair challenges continued. For some reason I was allowed to decide how I wanted my own hair cut. Thus began many years of bad decisions. Or rather.. bad communication between myself and the "hairstylists" at the Towers "salon". It was bound to happen. Most of them did not speak english, after all.

Thus, in grade 2 I was allowed to tell the nice lady how I wanted my hair cut. And therefore ended up with a shag rivalling David Cassidy's. This became a recurring theme in my life. I would describe to the "hair stylist" that I would like layers.. etc... and I would end up with a shag. In grade five, my mother attempted to force my hair into a "bubble cut"... all smooth and turned under... I believe the only time she was successful was for my grade 5 class picture. Other than that, as soon as the slightest bit of humidity hit, my hair would go fuzzy. The joys of having naturally wavy hair.

Regular hair cut time was usually the week before school started... and the summer before grade 8 was no different. I asked for my hair to be layered a la the Farah Fawcett look that was popular during the time. And once again, ended up with the ever popular shag... and hence looking like the bastard offspring of David Cassidy and Woody of the Bay City Rollers.

Of course, during the times I had these horrific hair styles, there were other, prettier girls with long flowing locks. THEY were the ones that the boys thought were attractive and asked out. I was the one with the bad hair.

And so we hit high school.. through most of which I had the whole Farah flippy thing going on during grade nine. Which AT THE TIME was super attractive. In retrospect, not so much.... mind you, it is during this same period that my mother.. she of the cruel haircuts, was delivered hair karma. My little Irish-Scottish mother had a full blown afro. I believe I shall have to find that photo to share as it is truly priceless.

Grade ten.. a few days before school starts.. once again at Towers for the hair cut. Yes, you think I would have learned by this point and gone somewhere more reputable. However, apparently I am somewhat slow. Must have been all those head injuries.

I get the haircut. It's even worse than the regular shag. The top of my hair is literally on end. I AM a Bay City Roller. It is hideous. To hide the fact that my hair is horribly cut, I purchased a Toni home permanent kit for my mother to use on my horribly spiky melon. Yes, it disguises the awful haircut, but as a result I look like Minnie Mouse in my grade ten photo. Surprisingly, I did get a boyfriend with this hideous hair mess. And no, he was not from the school for the blind.

Eventually my perm calmed down and the short hair pieces grew out and I finished high school with decent pretty hair. During the college years I somehow felt it was a good idea to go "short".. which will never, ever happen again. I look far too much like my father. And I really don't dig it when people call me "John". For years my ex-husband tried to convince me to cut my hair off.. he LOVES short hair on girls. Then I showed him a pic of me with short hair to which he responded "if you looked like that when I met you, I never would have asked you out."

Enough said.

I do not suit short hair. I look better with long hair. I've gone through long curly perms during the 80's.. I could've rivalled the guys from Poison with my big hair.. long straight hair with big bangs... went back to the flippy hair during the 2001-2002 period (what goes around comes around, so to speak..).. all in all.. I've had a lot of different hair. And I like it long. That is the way I like it best.. that is the way I think it looks best on me, feel prettiest.. get the most compliments, etc. My hair is important to me. It is my friend.

A few years ago, I developed alopecia. I was under a lot of stress and my hair started falling out. Ever since then my hair has not been super healthy... takes a while for it to come back.

Again, this past year, I've had a lot of stress in my life and once again I've found that my hair has suffered as a result. Plus, I've had some "hair accidents". Living in the north, I've had a couple of awful haircuts. Then at one point I was using a curling brush on my hair and when I took it out thought to myself "hmm.. there's a lot of hair in there..." and then after smelling the burning, realized the curling brush had burnt a huge hunk of hair off the right side of my lid.


So. This week I was looking at my hair. Yes, it was long, but it was poorly cut, and in bad condition. I researched some salons and made an appointment.

I enjoyed the salon.. it's in Barrie.. it's an Aveda salon. She gave me an excellent scalp massage.. I was enjoying my surroundings... I explained what I wanted her to do.. she showed me how much she was going to cut off .. about 2 inches.. and then she started cutting.. and cutting.. and cutting. I was getting nervous.

Then she blow dried it.. it looked all right.. she had given me thicker bangs... My old ones always were "iffy".. and it still looked long enough... but then she broke out the scissors again.....
When she was done, it was ok.... but....

Too short. I felt like I was back in high school and got the really bad haircut again. Sad.
My daughter liked it. My son did not. A couple of friends said "it's okay, it will grow back".... which essentially means "you are right, it's not that good."

Today was a new day.... I washed and styled it myself. It smells good.. that's a plus. Positives: it's a better cut, it's neater, my bangs sit better... it looks healthier... and it will grow.
Negatives: it's too short for me. I feel like Samson.. like I lost my sex appeal with the haircut... Now I look "professional". *sigh* Could be worse.

Oh well. I'll look good for job interviews. This will put a dent in the "LOVE" section I think ... but at least I don't look like one of the Bay City Rollers...

Life: I spent far too much on my hair.
Love: Meh.
Pants: No change. Been good with the working out though.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

What is the Proper Etiquette When you Accidentally Flash your Neighbour..??

This is merely a rhetorical question. For arguments sake.

I mean.. SAY you got home from the Y, and it's later in the afternoon ... and then you take a shower. So, it's winter and all.. so by the time you are OUT of the shower, it's dark outside.
So, y'know, say then IN THEORY you would want to change into something comfy, cause y'know, it's evening by this point.. and all you're gonna do is hang out and watch Idol anyway.

So LOGICALLY, you're going to put on some comfies or pyjamas, right? Sure ya are. But in order to do this, you must take off what you have on... say, a bathrobe.

So you take off the bathrobe and fuss around at your dresser which is located, oh, say... next to the window. And you look for your comfy black stretchy pants. And some cozy socks... and then, say, a good sleeping shirt. And then you put it on.. and decide that IS NOT the shirt you wanted, so remove it and put on another shirt.. say, in the vicinity of aforementioned window.
This shirt is comfy. It will do nicely. At this point you hear whistling from outside and some "woohoos". So then you look toward the window and notice that the blind is up, say, about a foot or so.

Oh my.

At this point your choices are obvious... pull the blind and dive into bed never to be seen or heard from again or look out to see who is "woohooing". Let's say you pick "B"... and you look outside to see some man bundled up in his ski jacket, toque and all.. just out for a walk with the dog.. when he came upon the "free show". He then proceeds to give you the thumbs up. 2 in fact. One for each of the girls.

So, my question is.... what is the proper etiquette? What if you aren't sure which neighbour he is? Does this now make you friends, having shared such an intimate moment? Should you invite him in for a drink now that he has confirmed that they are real and they are fabulous? Shouldn't he have least bought you dinner? Or at least get his name?

Tough to say. Perhaps all you can do is make sure your blinds are down fully from this point forward. But again, this was merely a rhetorical question. A social experiment, as you will.

I hope it's the guy with the snowblower. I think he owes me.

Life: Things is ok.
Love: That was the most action I've gotten in many many months. No, it was not "good for me".
Pants: Thankfully, I don't think he saw below waist level.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Online Dating - Hell on Earth?

**Please note, that some of the names have been changed to protect the single. And that if you are my mother, you should not read this blog. I hope one of my sisters did not send you the link. WARNING. DO NOT READ, MOTHER. Thank you. **

I feel that I've been spending a good amount of time on the Life and Pants sections of my life.. not so much on the Love section. I'm not doing the online dating thing.. I don't meet people through work for obvious reasons (being unemployed and all.. LOL).. I don't really go out much (unless you count my many trips to Zehrs...) so I don't really have the opportunity to meet people or anything.

As I said, I did the online thing for a bit.. but really.. I actually met in person 3 guys (separately, there was nothing kinky going on or anything.... ) and we went out. It was nice and all.. they were pleasant enough... decent conversation. But.... nothing. I was just not attracted to any of them. It's to be expected I guess.

I mean, I am not against the whole "online" thing.. I talk online everyday to various friends who I likely wouldn't speak to as often if I weren't online.. However, I'm concerned. How on earth am I supposed to meet someone. I gave up on the online thing for reasons that will become obvious.

I mean, I have friends I talk to online every day. I have a friend who I speak to daily, who I exchange Christmas gifts with.. we've been doing this for about 8 years or so.. we met through a gaming site and started chatting. He's much younger than me.. more of a "virtual kid" to me than anything (don't get the wrong idea here). But we've never met. We have always lived about an hour away from one another... but have never met and who knows if we will. So I'm not against the whole "online" thing.. but...

With the online dating it's frustrating and weird and .. well.. weird. I don't think I'm asking for anything super out of the ordinary out of a relationship.. but..... many of these guys pretend to be one thing but then are TOTALLY another. Most are perfectly nice guys who just don't meet women in other ways.. i.e. in the same boat I'm in. But then there are the guys who are really just looking for a piece of ass and are pretending to be these "nice guys" to score with women.

Seriously. So, I am on the online dating thingy and I chat with some guy who appears to be somewhat quick witted and by the looks of things has all his own teeth. So he asks for my hotmail addy so we can talk on MSN. This is fine.. for a bit.. then he says he's going to send me something via email. I open it. Yes, it is a picture of his penis. Thank you so much Mr. Hung-like-a-Kitten. So hot right now. SERIOUSLY??!!! Do you REALLY think chicks DIG THIS? (well, maybe some do, but they are all on AFF...) My answer? Block. Delete.

Another guy I'd never ever met... only talked to online.. seemed nice enough. One night out of the blue suggests I come over and stay the night (a little more colourfully than that.)
What the fuck???? When did it become okay to go from "I like AC/DC, pasta and white wine" to "Let's get naked even though I have no idea what you are like in person..." Block. Delete.

Here is another fine example of internet dating.. so .. have been chatting with this guy online.. seems OK. We meet in person at one point. Yeah, that's a great big NO. He continues to invite me out.. as FRIENDS. He apparently has no interest in me that way. Which is good. But we don't end up going out for beers or anything.. but continue to chat online. Till one day he asks again if I'm up for going out.. I decline as I already have plans. Then he says "well I guess I shoulda fucked you when I had the chance."

Are you KIDDING ME????????????

I respond - "Dude, you NEVER had a chance." Then he got all pissy. Good. Serves ya right.

So I ask... am I asking for too much? Are my standards too high? Is this what romance and dating etc has come to?

Like, seriously... I am reasonably good looking, have a good sense of humour and I'm easier than a five year old's homework and I still can't get any action. (Please god do not let my mother be reading this....)

I compiled a list of qualities and attributes and things I like in a guy.

  • Funny
  • reasonably good looking (at least to me... )
  • gainfully employed
  • likes to go to concerts
  • hang out with friends
  • cuddle up on the couch
  • likes my kids
  • likes PDA's
  • Likes "having adventures" (meaning doing silly stuff)
  • not afraid to make a fool out of himself (when appropriate)
  • would take care of me if i was sick
  • Decent dresser
  • doesn't need to spend all his time with the boys
  • likes movies
  • likes my dog
  • like to have fun
  • thinks I rock.

See? I do not think this is too much to ask. I believe that I hold many of these same qualities. I think I am a pretty nice person who deserves someone who is also pretty kick ass. I think everyone does.

Well, for now... I will have to be happy with complaining about my lack of a lovelife and flirting shamelessly with a boy on the internet (yes, I call all men boys.. I am 12. And no, he is not from online dating, I actually know him in person. But enough about that.) And when it's supposed to happen, it will happen (do you sense a theme here..?)

I suppose it could be worse.... those same guys could have shown me their parts in person... ROFLMAO!!

Life: Hey, it's A-OK

Love: Read above.

Pants: most are too big. This is going well.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Things Could Always be Worse...

I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and that things could always be worse... It's tough to buy into some times, especially when the really bad stuff happens, but I still think it's true.

I have had several occasions in my life where there was a chance I could have died. There was always that possibility... but for whatever reason, a couple more inches to the left or what have you.. and I walked away. For example.. here are some of the things that have happened to me. I used to look at the culmination of these as "bad luck" or being "jinxed" .. but eventually came to look at it as I was "lucky" or perhaps even "blessed" .. cause after all, I could not be here writing this drivel right now if not for some good luck.....
  • I've had several head injuries including falling off the edge of the tub and cracking my head open at age 3 and being hit over the head with a claw hammer at age 5 because I stepped on a potato bug...

  • When I was 5, I took my dad's shotgun outside to scare some neighbour boys (they were ON MY FENCE.) this could indeed have been tragic had my dad not been the kind of guy to store ammo elsewhere..
  • Again at 5 (it was a very busy year...) I walked several miles to go see a birds nest. Then on the way home, I hitchhiked, got a ride and the couple drove me home. You see how this could have possibly turned me into a statistic.

  • Fell out of a shopping cart at age 8- another head injury.

  • When I was 6 weeks pregnant with my son, I was in a serious car accident and had to be cut out of the car. Luckily I did not lose him. I did fracture my pelvis and it was extremely painful (no drugs either) and awful and I walked with a cane for a while. But on the bright side, I got really really fat!!
  • When my son was born I had to have an emergency C-section.. apparently I nearly bled out.. he nearly died. He was born with 2 collapsed lungs and had to be in NICU for a while. He's now 13 and a half, taller than me and a smart and super funny kid. This is what I call a miracle. He was worth getting fat for.
  • A couple summers ago my friend Jenn and I were on Hwy 93 headed to Midland when a steel recycling truck plowed into the back of the van were were in. When I saw it in the rear view I thought it was a train. The EMS crew were surprised to see us walk away from it. We were mostly shaken up and I still have some nerve damage in my left arm from it. But we're not dead.

Which leads me to this... things could always be worse. No, seriously. I have given this a great deal of thought. All of these situations could certainly have been far more tragic than they were... I could have been killed on a couple of occasions if the circumstances had been just SLIGHTLY different... I could have possibly killed someone else. Or I could have been much more seriously injured. Any of these could have been far worse than they were. And let me tell you, some of these were pretty bad.

Now that I have sufficiently depressed everyone... aw, it's okay. Don't feel bad.. *hugs* I'm fine..

Anyway, to get back on track.. Right now, I could look at what my situation is right now and be thoroughly depressed. I mean, I'm forty fuckin' four, single and without viable prospects, I haven't had a date in forever, slightly overweight, unemployed... living in a town I don't particularly care for... trying to sell a house in a buyers' market. Oh hell, never mind... my situation DOES suck! I am pathetic!! Please pass me a big bottle of white and a LARGE glass....

So I remind myself.. this COULD be worse. HOW you ask? Well, I have a lot of positives in my life. I have two amazing children. They are both super talented, smart, hilariously funny, good looking and lovable. They have (for the most part) retained the "good" qualities of their parents and not as many of the "bad" ones.. I hope. I have a wonderful family... My parents are awesome, my sisters and their families are fun, wonderful people. I know so many people who either don't have family or are not close with them.. Like, we are not the Cleavers or that family with the 18 kids on TLC, but we all love one another and for the most part get along, so it's cool.

I have some pretty freakin' cool friends who love me. I have a roof over my head, a new car, money to get me through till I get a new gig. I currently have the luxury of taking some time off.

I mean, I haven't had to resort to prostitution (although this would take care of my lack of dates issue.. joking,,. I'm joking,..) or worse yet, sell used cars.. I have some serious mad skillz and have actually turned down some jobs so far. So it's all good. Things work out the way they are supposed to.... I hope. LOL. But hey, could be worse.... I'm not dead.

Life: Just living the dream, baby...

Love: No comment.

Pants: This part is going well.. Have been working out regularly and I'm making progress. Still not a HUGE fan.. but getting there.

Monday, January 19, 2009

This Garbage Smells..... and other enlightening thoughts......

Everyone at some point goes through a breakup. If you haven't, then you are a freak of nature. Or high school sweethearts. Or in a religious order. Anyhow, chances are you have at some point either broken up with someone, been broken up with.. or both. It sucks. It's sad... and it usually messes you up for some time.

I had my own awful break up this year with Fernando. It was tough, but we have tried to stay friends through the whole thing (which is apparently wrong wrong wrong...)... and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. When it isn't working and we have an "incident" then it's akin to breaking up all over again. And once again it sucks ass.

We had one of these moments recently and it threw me .... hard. I just couldn't understand... WTF?? So what did I do you ask? I went to Chapter's... I had a gift card to spend... and books and a Latte seem to make me feel better. I bought 6 books... 4 novels and 2 "self help" ...and a Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte.

The one that caught my eye and that I ending up reading first was entitled "It's Called a Break Up because It's Broken".. brilliant. We broke up some time ago, but I figured it wouldn't hurt me to read it. And I was right..... it was not painful in the least... The book was hilarious for one, but also made me think about some stuff. Yes, we had gone about our breakup the "wrong" way, but it ended up working for us... but perhaps it would have been easier and cleaner if we had gone about it differently.. Regardless, the book is brilliant and if you have had a relationship fall apart, it's truly worth the $15 or whatever I paid for it (oh yeah, it was free.... gift card!)

As I read it, I recognized some of my own bad behaviour, things I had done right or well.. or insane and ill advised..... and thought of things that I should be or could be doing. I mean, I'm pretty good with Fernando right now... we've made our peace and all and I can honestly say that we are truly friends. (I have a tendency to be friends with most of my ex's... all but Psycho Steve....) But one part of the book really hit me in the head.

You're not in the same relationship.

It just suddenly crystallized for me. I thought about every relationship I had ever had..... boyfriends, the ex-husband, friends and even work relationships. At some point your priorities, goals and dreams change and you're NOT IN THE SAME RELATIONSHIP. You're together, but you aren't. I suddenly understood why these relationships were broken. At some point, things changed. I started thinking about friendships that had gone by the wayside... there are several that I regret I hadn't taken better care of... however... at some point our lives changed and our needs weren't being met. So we moved on. I can even relate this to my recent job situation. Needs changed. Move on.

During the time I was reading the book, there were a few breakup dramas going on around me.. One friend who was going through a breakup and another who had suddenly had contact from her ex after a year. Both situations were painful for my friends (both of whom I have encouraged to read the aforementioned book...) and I was thinking about it while cleaning the house. I went to throw something in the garbage can and I thought "this garbage smells..."
So I prepared to throw it out.

And then it struck me..... breakups stink to high heaven. A lot of life situations reek. They smell so badly that they cloud your senses, your judgement.. and make you feel sick. Think about it... if you had an old rotting chicken in the fridge, and it had a "fowl" odor (haha I kill me!) you would throw it out, right?
So why don't people throw out their emotional garbage? It reeks just as badly.

If you were sprayed by a skunk, would you keep those smelly clothes? Nope, you'd ditch them ASAP. You'd scrub all the stink off yourself, get rid of the offensive clothing, clean yourself up, put on some perfume and move on with your life... (hey, remember that episode of the Partridge Family when the skunk got on the bus and then they had to play at a hospital in pyjamas? yeah, that was a good one....)

So it makes me wonder why people (by people, I mean me..) hang onto emotional garbage. All the stench filled bad feelings that muddle your brain, make you feel rotten, and make it so hard to move forward. There's no coincidence that when something bad happens, people call it shitty. Seriously, everyone has stuff they've been holding onto for years in the trash bin section of the brain... I figured it was time to kick mine to the curb.

I took a piece of paper and wrote down all the things I still feel badly about... events that happened and stunk and were still bothering me..... then I read it a bunch of times. Then I wrote down at least one positive thing that came of the shitty thing. Then I re-read it. Then I felt better.

Then I tore it up and threw it in the trash. And I seriously let it go. I know there will be times I wish to backslide and feel sorry for myself. But I'll try to remember that I threw that shit out. I've moved on. I broke up with all those detestable feelings.

Sometimes life stinks. But I think all you have to do is get rid of all the garbage.....

Life: It's a work in progress
Love: Still flirting with cute boy via internet. Nothing else to report.
Pants: I have been uber good with working out. Except today. But I will walk Mocha the Wonderdog instead.

Thursday, January 15, 2009

I believe IKEA is the Swedish word for Orgasm.

I hate shopping. Well, for clothes anyway. I am just not one of those people who can wander around the mall looking at stuff for hours on end. Just does not excite me. I will go and shop for a particular item.. like, if I need a dress for something.. but not just for amusement. That is what porn is for. But I digress.

There are exceptions to the "no shopping" rule. Food shopping. Home Improvement stores. Office supply stores. And IKEA.

I love food. I love food shopping. I love to eat. I really like big Zehrs where you can get food AND stuff. Add the wine store onto that and I could live there.

When I walk into Staples or Office Depot.... *sigh*.. it is like a little piece of heaven. I love the smell of the paper.. the various office supplies, chairs, new computers, fancy printers.. It makes me happy.

I love the smell of lumber.... I love Canadian Tire, Home Depot, Rona.. I love buying things to fix up the house... or tools.. or a new lawnmower. Yes, I am a bit of a boy.

However, NONE of those things are any comparison to the love of my life. IKEA. I get excited just thinking about it. I've come to realize that I think it's because my relationship with IKEA is likely the most stable in my life (other than my children, of course). IKEA woos me with it's sights, smells and fine craftsmanship. IKEA never lets me down.
Yesterday I had to take the daughter to meet up with her dad so that she could go back to Waterloo for the weekend. So we arranged to meet at the IKEA on Highway 7 and the 400. So excited. I didn't really need anything, but just the joy of being amongst all that Swedish ingenuity.. oh my.

IKEA is a store where I COULD just wander about, looking for hours. I love it. I love how it smells of meatballs and cinnamon buns, $1 breakfast and 50 cent hot dogs.. I love the brightly coloured fabrics, the oddly named furniture, the crazy little knick knacks that sometimes you have to figure out what they are...

It's like the perfect world..... everything is colourful, shiny, beautiful and functional. It makes me want to refurnish my entire house, remodel my kitchen, decorate something... Walking through the children's furniture, I momentarily consider having another child just so that I can buy a leaf canopy for his bed... or maybe the bed tent.

Most of my home is filled with IKEA furniture and implements..... from the many RIBBA frames on the walls.. to the NORESUND bedframe, table and mirror in my bedroom... I consciously strive to make my home look like the pages of the IKEA catalogue. After all, if I have the EKTORP sofa and coordinating STOCKHOLM coffee living room, nay, my life.. might be as perfect as the pages of the sacred catalogue.....
IKEA and I go way back.... 20+ years ago, making my first trip to IKEA in North York to buy a kitchen table when the ex and I started living together. The marriage didn't hold up, but that table is still solid.. sitting in his garage at the moment. When I got my own place, the highlight was the many many trips to IKEA for bedding, beds, kitchen utensils, dishes.. When I moved into this house, again, the joy of going to the store to pick out new beds for my kids, frames, accessories.. I am breathless thinking about it.
I think it's because not only are they good looking, but my IKEA purchases don't let me down... I write this laying upon a 12 year old paisley IKEA sofa... still good looking, still comfy.. still there for me. My IKEA 365 cookware.. reasonably priced yet far more durable than more expensive pots that I own. One time the daughter burnt the crap out of one.... several good scrubbings later, I still use that pot.

IKEA is there for me. IKEA makes me happy. I have had longer relationships with some of my IKEA purchases than I have with any man.

With a sigh I finish my trip to IKEA.... only picking up a GRANUM candle and napkin set.. a GROSSBY portable light and a battery powered PRODUKT whippy thingy that you use to froth milk. After all, I don't really NEED anything, but I can't let the love of my life down by walking out empty handed.

I'm thinking of changing my relationship status on Facebook to "in a relationship with IKEA"... after all, it's the closest thing I have come to sex for a while.... and quite honestly, the satisfaction lasts quite a bit longer..... ;)

Life: Things are pretty good. Thanks for asking.
Love: I love IKEA. Did you not get that yet?
Pants: they are looser. Still working on it.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

I don't think I have ADD, I think I just have a short attent.... LOOK A PUPPY!!

I believe that I have several legitimate undiagnosed medical conditions. ADD and OCD... Attention Deficit Disorder and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Maybe some others. But those two I am certain of. It would certainly explain why I am still in my pyjama pants at 2pm.

I admit, I am not the most organized person in the world. I mean, I have my moments.. I have my weird little systems.. I can usually find the passport/birth certificate/car keys/picture of my kindergarten class in the most random of places. It's some weird idiot savant thing I have (emphasis on the savant, please and thank you...). I know where all my receipts are. Stuff like that.... But to MAIL something....? This is a huge deal for me.... I just suck at it. I admit it.

Online banking was the best invention ever! Before that, I would regularly receive the "excuse me, your account is overdue..." call, not cause I didn't have the money, but because for the life of me I can't remember to mail shit. Anytime anyone has said "hey can you drop this off for me?" I say "did you want it there this year?" I'll INTEND to go mail it.... then get all distracted when I see a puppy or one of those guys with the pizza sign on the road and next thing you know I am getting the $5 deal at Little Caesar's and the mail is still sitting in the car a week later.

See? My attention is elsewhere. It is deficit. And it is disorderly.
It causes me to be easily distracted by superficial things..... oooooooo .... shiny..... and, uh..... Yeah, I get off track.
I start one project, then move onto something entirely not so important because I get bored with the first one. So instead of finishing the first thing......

I'd like to explain to you about the OCD. This condition is entirely my mother's fault. She admits it. I think she drank while she was pregnant. It would explain a lot.

(**Please note that on the advice of legal counsel, I have to express that this is, indeed a joke. My mother did NOT drink, smoke, drink coffee or ingest, inhale or even THINK about any harmful substance during any of her three pregnancies. The preceeding statement was merely for comic effect.**)

Regardless, my mother admits to the OCD tendencies. My sister has it too. Goes something like this.... so you have to go to an important function, one that requires you to spend a lot of time getting ready.... have a shower, dry the hair... start getting ready.. curling the hair.. when it suddenly becomes clear to you that you absolutely, positively, without a doubt, have to alphabetize your CDs!! It just HAS to be done now or there is no way you can even remotely enjoy yourself later.
Or how I suddenly feel the need to vacuum NOW just as I'm leaving the house. Or how I'll HAVE to go buy fabric to make curtains for the kitchen TODAY, even though I have absolutely no plans to make those curtains before the end of the month.... or maybe ever.

Perhaps I have these issues due to the several head injuries I've incurred: hit my head on the bathtub, hit over the head with a hammer, fell down a mountain, fell down several flights of stairs, hit my head on the pavement falling out of a shopping cart... I think that's it. Thank goodness it didn't impair my memory.. what was I saying? Oh yeah, OCD....

Seriously, I think this is the only logical explanation. After all, why else haven't I sent out 3 resumes today? Or gone to work out? Or folded the laundry? Or walked the dog? Or gotten dressed?
It's not like I've done NOTHING.... Because, after all, I HAVE managed to exchange several joke emails with my friends, update my Facebook status.. twice... msn with the daughter whilst she is in class (don't tell her psych teacher..).. look up funny quotes from Pinky and the Brain... flirt shamelessly with a cute boy on the internet.. change my FB picture.. change my msn picture.. watch some YouTube videos.. read Perez Hilton, write this blog and reheat my coffee. See? I HAVE accomplished SOMETHING.

It's obviously these legitimate medical conditions that are holding me back and for which I shall seek immediate help. After all, it can't possibly just be procrastination......

Hey! Wanna ride bikes????

Life: I put the PRO in Procrastination. Baby steps.. Please note that this entry was started on WEDNESDAY but didn't make it up till THURSDAY.......
Love: Other than online flirting...... nothing to report. I do love curry, however.
Pants: THIS I have been good at and NOT putting off. I have been going to the Y and sweating. Yay me!

Monday, January 12, 2009

I Got the Music in Me.

Put a lot of miles on the car on the weekend.. Barrie to Kitchener to Toronto on Friday.. back to the K-dub, then to Hamilton on Saturday .. white knuckled it back to KW Saturday night.. then back to Barrie on Sunday.

Good times people.. good times...

I don't mind driving but there was a lot of it. It got very tense as the weather was crappy at times.. and we saw a LOT of accidents... and even a huge car fire. Craziness on the roads last weekend.. I think there was a full moon.

What I enjoy about being in the car is the chance to listen to music. I like to flip around and listen to the radio.. and I like to throw on the occasional CD. That's the bright side of burning up a couple of tanks of gas and getting a hideous cramp in my right leg..

One of my favourite albums of all time is the White Album. I finally bought a CD copy recently and the car trip was the perfect opportunity to listen to it. Some of the tracks I hadn't heard in years. It was awesome. I had forgotten some of the tunes.. but oddly remembered most of the words.

The White Album reminds me of being about 19.. driving in the backseat of my parents car to Pembroke for Christmas. I had put the album on cassette and would listen to it over and over again on the "walkman" that I had.. the seriously cool portable compact stereo that I won in a "suggestive selling" contest when I worked at Wendy's as a teen. Compact? Oh yeah.. about the size of a paperback novel. About as compact as my ass.

I listened to this album over and over and over again. I love the song Rocky Raccoon.. I don't know why. I just do. Bungalow Bill.. Revolution.. Blackbird... and one of my favourite songs of all time.. I Will. The song that at 19 I would sing along to and wish for true love...maybe this would be my wedding song..? It wasn't. I sang it again on the weekend..but not with the same bright eyed optimistic true love outlook. Hey, I'm old and jaded. I'm allowed.

It was interesting listening to this album with fresh ears.. my childrens' ears.. they had heard songs from it, sure. The daughter is a huge Beatles fan.. but they hadn't heard most. Revolution #9 creeped the son out. LMAO.

When I was 9 there was a draw at the local park and I won a transistor radio. It was red and came with an earpiece (this is the olden days before headphones). My mother crocheted me a little case for it and I would carry it around everywhere. I would listen to the radio all day every day and late into the night. I can remember struggling to stay up for the yearly TOP 100 songs of all time countdown.. My god! Would it be "Let it Be" or "Stairway to Heaven"... I had to know! This was the start of my love of music... and of radio.

Through listening to the White Album, I started thinking about my favourite songs, what they meant to me or more correctly, who they mean to me. And strangely enough, throughout the drive many of those favourites came on the radio as if summoned by my thoughts. "I Guess That's Why They Call it the Blues" came on during the drive on the 400.. reminds me of an ex boyfriend who I refer to as "Psycho Steve"... good times.

Captain Fantastic and the Brown Dirt Cowboy is a huge one for me..... I have 2 copies on disc.. wore one out listening to it over and over in the dining room of my parents house. Also makes me think of Waterloo.. when I moved into my place there, a dear friend of mine bought me that on CD as a housewarming gift, knowing it to be one of my favourites. Now when I listen to it, I think of him, rather than grade 8.

Willie Nelson's Stardust... laying in my bed while my parents sat out with the neighbours on a hot August night.. laughing, having a drink and singing along with Willie.

Anything off Moving Pictures by Rush is an automatic memory of Craig, my high school boyfriend. I still love Rush to this day. Red Barchetta is my favourite. And Tom Sawyer. Oh, and Limelight.... Craig used to write song lyrics in my yearbook each June.. it's how I always remember the lyrics to Downstream by Supertramp.

Anything by the Commodores or Earth Wind and Fire... automatically makes me think of "The Natural Highs".. a group of girls.. 11 of us.... who all had "flavour" names.. Vanilla, Butterscotch, Chocolate.. I was Cinnamon ... and the boys we hung out with.. particularly Greg and Phil. Love them all.. and thanks to the internet.. still talk to many of them. Whenever I hear "Brick House" I will think of you..... LOL

Various Police and Elton John songs conjure up my 20th summer... when I was crazy about a boy who would never be more than a friend. In fact, he still is.. but some of those songs can still evoke a tiny bit of sadness, and regret that I never told him how I felt. The Police also makes me think of my sisters.. one of the bands we actually ALL liked. They were big into the trendy bands at the time.. I had Elton, the Eagles, Zeppelin... and the Police. Seemed to be the one band we could all agree on.

Another favourite album? Back in Black.... AC/DC. Fan-freakin-tastic. 1981.. Grade 12 ski trip to St. Donat PQ.. on the way up someone put it on and the entire trip we alternated between AC/DC and Genesis. Finally got to see a full AC/DC show in November... and my ringtone is "You Shook Me"... a fan.. yeah. I think so.

So many songs remind me of so many things.. first slow dance with a boy? Nobody Does it Better by Carly Simon.. Play September by Earth Wind and Fire and I can still do part of a dance routine.. (No, that's okay, you really don't want to see that). Anything from the score of Oliver reminds me of my first grade teacher. More Than A Feeling by Boston still makes me think of a boy I loved, and still do.. a little bit. Electric Avenue by Eddie Grant makes me want to vomit. A range of emotions.

Heart of the Matter by Don Henley has long been a huge favourite of mine..... in fact, the whole End of the Innocence CD is huge for me. 1989... got married that year, daughter born the following year... I still listen to that album. Originally I had this on cassette and I have had to buy several copies of this CD over the years.. it's been lost, destroyed, stolen. Heart of the Matter has been sung by me many times in various vehicles and for various relationships. "Even if, even if, you don't love me anymore..." Enough said.

Life is a Highway... always reminds me of the daughter.. at age 3 singing "Life is a highway, I want to ride it on my lawn....." My Wish by Rascall Flatts makes me tear up.. thinking about my kids and what I wish for them.. Both of my children are very talented singers... my daughter's version of Cannonball makes me tear up every time. Tonight the Heartache's On Me.. the first song she ever sang on a stage. Breath of Heaven - when she was in Grade 6 she played the Virgin Mary in the Christmas pageant. People chatted through the whole thing.. but when my daughter sang Breath of Heaven, you could have heard a pin drop. I get all emotional just thinking about it.

My son is also a really good singer.. "Sixty to Zero" not only reminds me of my friend Johnny Reid - who is freakin' awesome - but also of a show in Elmira he did. My son and I went backstage to say hi to Johnny before the show, and he sang part of Johnny's song for him, to show him he knew all the words. So when Johnny got to that part in the show, he brought Josh up to sing with him.. It was awesome.

Bohemian Rhapsody reminds me of my grade 6 birthday.. my friend Lynn gave me that 45 and 2 others for my birthday. She and I and another friend had a sleepover and made taffy and got it all over the kitchen and each other...
Fat Bottomed Girls reminds me of Jenn.. not for that reason, but because it's the only Queen song she ever liked... (I know! what is WRONG with her?)

Moon River is my parents wedding song. Could I Have This Dance was my wedding song.. I never really liked that song. It should have been a clue. Long Time Running was my sister's song .. they were engaged for a few years..
Certain songs make you think of certain people, certain times, certain feelings. Should I Stay or Should I Go makes me think of Mohawk College, the Arnie and drinking pitchers and screaming out the lyrics. I Want You to Want Me is me and the daughter in the car singing along to a burnt CD she made of songs of my generation..and trying to sing "feelin all alone without a friend y'know ya feel like dyin" in the limited amount of time allowed.. LOL. Not all of my memories are depressing.

But some songs I'll never be able to listen to without crying.. I Learned that From You by Sara Evans.. and a song called Seven Years On by my friend Thomas Wade (I would post it but don't know how) makes me bawl every time I hear it. Holy Water by Big & Rich still rips my heart out.

And obviously, Beth by KISS. A perennial favourite and one that is sung to me on a regular basis, including once by a man dressed in a Gene Simmons costume.. Doesn't he know that Peter Criss sang lead on that? Dumbass. Listening to the lyrics, I find it ironic that I married a musician. Life imitates art.

I guess listening to old music just dredged up a lot of thoughts, feelings and memories... after all, I've had a lot of time to think lately. It's made me think of love lost, opportunities missed and things I always meant to do but didn't. I'm hoping the soundtrack to the next part of my life is a little more upbeat.

But, enough of that.... I'm going to go find HARD ROCK 2 and blast it on the CD player in the car. Ace of Spades by Motorhead sounds pretty good right now.

Life: I've had a couple of days of being a little stressy and depressed. I have a couple of really good friends who've been very sweet to me and make me feel better.
Love: It's all going to the above mentioned friends. I think they know who they are.
Pants: Yes, I'm wearing some. Work out pants. Going to the Y. Let's hope they play something "snappy".

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Facebook: Social Utility or Tool of the Devil?

I am addicted to Facebook. I love it. I love looking at other people's pictures, reading the funny comments.. seeing what everyone is up to. I've reconnected with people I haven't spoken with in years.. and I'm happy that I have. But there comes a time when I'm not sure if maybe I've put myself "out there" a little TOO much...

There are articles .. prospective employers investigate you through Facebook and the web.. and crap, maybe even the lame ass blogs that some people write to amuse themselves whilst unemployed.

(At this point, I would just like to point out that I am hardworking, a real people person, wish to obtain a position that would best utilize my skills in marketing, public relations and event planning. ... and in 5 years see myself as independently wealthy, living on a beach somewhere with some hot cabana boy catering to my every whim.)

Several years ago, a friend and co-worker would tell the rest of us at work that MySpace was "out" and Facebook was where it was at. We scoffed at her for a while (we are the mean sarcastic types) until we finally checked it out. Then caved. Then wholeheartedly jumped in with both feet.

Oh Facebook. My constant companion, my best friend, my soapbox, my means to broadcast my every movement so that droves of people who actually HAVE lives can know what I'm up to...... I enjoy it. I like thinking of hilarious status messages.. I like creeping around on other people's pages to see what their kids look like, how their vacation was.. the crazy antics of their dogs.. whether or not that cute boy I kinda like is"in a relationship".. you know, the stuff that you'd like to know but you don't actually want to have a real human conversation with that person.

I've learned things about my "friends".. it's been enlightening and fun. I've kept in touch with people I would likely still not be in contact with if not for this useful tool of socialization. And I never have to remember a birthday again! Facebook does that for me and sends handy reminders!

But then there is the dark side.....

Once you are hooked, how do you stop? I currently have 686 Facebook Friends... Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but seriously.... How on earth would I seat them all for dinner?

Many of these people I know through the music business.. and MOST of them I have actually had human contact with. There are a few "friends of friends".. but where do you draw the line?

I feel guilty hitting that IGNORE button when someone tries to befriend me.. remember, I'm a people person...

But seriously, I do not know you Isabella Coldpitts. I appreciate the fact that you are "friends" with 25 of my "friends".. but I have no idea who you are. Other than we appear to both like country music. Stan Backwater.... same goes for you.. you look a little creepy, to be quite frank. And really, I don't want you looking at various pictures of me in a kilt while you are hunched over your keyboard. But what to do? I worry about offending a perfectly decent human being who may just be reaching out and trying to broaden their circle of friends...trying to network... But I also worry about weird creepy people who I don't know checking out what I'm doing and when......

Hence, limited profile. For all those "friends of friends" who I DON'T want seeing my family photos or various party pics... you are being relegated to limited. I'm sorry. I just feel it's too soon. I mean, we barely know each other. I'm just not that kind of girl..... I think we have to get to know each other a little better before I share my status with you.....

Then, there is the etiquette. I was going to complain about those who become over the top self indulgent and use their status to reveal the status of their relationships .. however, I've been guilty of the same crime. Sometimes it just makes you feel better to share .... and have other people send you messages of condolence and virtual hugs via your wall. But I think it's way over the top when someone directly attacks someone via their status. That makes me question whether I still want them as a "friend".. And then, what about "unfriending"? At what point do you "cull the herd"? I've gone through my list of friends now and again... at what point do you delete someone out of your virtual life? Someone has to really tick me off to be booted from my list.....

Recently, my sister ran into one of my old friends from high school who I never really kept in touch with, but have as a Facebook friend. They began chatting and the friend expressed concern for me. Please note: she and I have had very little contact. She's getting all this from the interweb... She was concerned about my lack of employment, my move to Central Ontario and even my breakup with Fernando last year (she never felt he was the right guy for me.....).

She has not seen me in person in over 25 years.. and she's never met Fernando. I find it interesting that through FB we feel we "know" these people we don't even really talk to. I mean, I'm not upset by this at all.. in fact, I'm touched that she's concerned for my welfare. But it makes me think that perhaps I'm a little TOO open about what's going on with me........maybe I should take down some of my pics, cull the herd, not post so often.....??

But then again, if I was that worried about it, I wouldn't be blogging......

Life: Oddly busy all things considered.

Love: I only have online boyfriends. It is my cross to bear.

Pants: Down another couple pounds.. Hitting the Y hard this week. (that's the plan, anyway...)

Sex in the Gas Station

A lovely girl I know read my blog and remarked "it's like Sex in the City meets Corner Gas".. so I figure, it's Sex in the Gas Station. Which is a wholly depressing thought, given the types you often see using the facilities at many of these establishments. And so that it does not come to that, I continue on my journey of self discovery and weight loss.

The plan is multi tiered. First off, me and my BFF who I shall refer to as Carmen (as that is her real name..) decided that we would offer each other support, comfort and encouragement through a Facebook group (Drunk Hard...Skinny Fast) and an online diary of our weightloss to which we would each contribute. ( We would invite others to join in our journey.. hopefully offering tips, recipes.. you know.. stuff.

Second part of the plan is to cut back on the booze. We like booze. Seriously, I know few who do not. 'Nuff said. It has contributed to my girth. This I know. Trying to drink more water and less things that are bad for me.

#3 - Move, work out, stop sitting around so much. I SUCK at this one. It's true. Not gonna lie.

Step 4 - Stop eating so much crap. Kinda ties in with #2.

Thus far, I haven't been too bad in the food and booze department, but have sucked ass in the working out department. However, I have discovered several golden nuggets of inspiration today. I am excited.

Today I made a little list of things I wanted to do.. shovelling (duh), going to the Y, emailing a few people and applying for a couple of jobs. Before I even finished my first coffee I had taken care of the emailing and resumes! I was on a roll!

I then proceeded to shovelling.. the bane of my existence in the frozen north. I finished in 35 minutes today! That is a new record.. I felt inspired. Yet still, I felt I needed more motivation. I expressed to Carmen via MSN my plan... I needed "BEFORE" photos. After all, once I am super skinny and beautiful I need to show how beastly I was BEFORE, right?

I set up the webcam (offline of course) and took a few pics. Suffice to say that I have provided myself with a healthy level of self loathing.

Everytime I even THINK about scarfing back some McD's.. or whipping up some potato pancakes.. or eating anything else that is super delicious but poison to my thighs..... I will just look at these photos. I am totally serious. If you see me in public.. looking at my blackberry and tearing up a wee bit.. well, you'll know what's going on, cause honey, these bad boys are sure to work.

However, these photographs have now put a HUGE dent in the "get a boyfriend" New Year's Resolution. NO ONE is seeing me looking like this without a lot of dim lighting and liquor.

I then actually called the Y and managed to get an appointment with a trainer today. So this afternoon I hit the road and made my way over for the meeting that would change my life... okay, overly dramatic..

Got to the Y, checked in, got a locker.. went up for my appointment with Tim, the Trainer. THANK GOD he did not measure me or use those freakin' fat calipers (I can already tell you, it will be on the "blubbo" reading...) or even weigh me. He TRUSTED ME to tell him how much I weighed. AND I DID NOT LIE. This would be the first time ever I have not lied to a man about how much I weigh. Mark it down. Historic occasion.

Tim then showed me the fancy ass system they have at the Y... you enter your special number on the computer on each machine and it tracks how much exercise you have done. Super awesome terrific! Not only that but the BEST PART.. you can MANUALLY add in activities that you have done that burn calories!!! YOU CAN COUNT SNOW SHOVELLING!!!!!!! Thank you Jeebus!

Tim the trainer showed me all of the machines, set the settings for me etc.. and then I only had one machine left.. We waited for the guy to get off and Tim grabbed it and was about to set it up when a guy on another machine says "Uh, I've been sitting here waiting for that machine" to which Tim replies "Oh sorry sir, did you want to use it real fast?" and Jerkface says "I don't do ANYTHING fast....." Tim and I are both uncertain if this was directed at me or him. Regardless, he is neither of our types. However, I do believe I saw this guy on Lavalife. And I think he's a cross dresser. But I digress......

After Tim showed me all the machines, he showed me how to "log off" the system.. at which point it told me that I had lifted over TWENTY SIX HUNDRED POUNDS today! That certainly made me feel like I had accomplished something. I like this fancy ass system!

And thank freakin' Mary, Jesus and Joseph... cause I'm not sure if another provincial blackout and a kegger are enough to get me naked in the state I'm in.. never mind have sex in a gas station.. ;)

Life: Optimistic!
Love: Not bloody likely at this point in time. LOL
Pants: I'm still down a little over 5lbs... but with those pictures and my other means of inspiration I'll be dropping weight like crazy in no time! haha

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Snow: The Frozen Tears of Satan.

The one thing I foolishly did not take into consideration when deciding to move to Central Ontario was the weather. I made the decision during the lovely months.. boating.. Big Chief island.. sun, sand.. summer fun. Stupid, stupid, stupid. That is like.. ONE MONTH during the year!! The rest of the time you are trapped in the icy hell known as snow shovelling.

Once again today I wake up to the drone of snowblowers and the sound of the garbage truck stuck in the snow in front of my house. Good times people. Good times.

Remember when you were a kid and you could NOT WAIT till it snowed? I remembering revelling in the first snowfall of the season.... me and my friend Julie.. 6 years old.. building a snowman on her front lawn... ah, the innocence of youth.

That is pretty much the last happy memory I have of snow.

I procrastinated for a while.. after all, I didn't NEED to go anywhere.. then after debating whether or not to call the snow guy to do the drive, I elected to save the $20 and do it myself. After all, it's good exercise, right?

Usually when I shovel, I start in the back yard. I have a deck off the back door and this is the primary "in and out" door for Mocha the Wonderdog. Mocha has a love/hate relationship with the snow. She bounds into the back and proceeds to weave intricate trails and patterns throughout the yard... frolicking like .. well, something that frolicks. Then she proceeds to her hatred of the snow.. I shovel and throw said white demon powder into the pile and she jumps at it, growling, angry that these frozen tears of Satan are making her mommy work so hard.

Yeah, I am reading way too much into that. She likes to chase shit. I dig and try to avoid inadvertently whacking her in the head with the shovel. I don't want those PETA guys on my ass.

Anyhow, today I move directly to the front... there is a lot of snow. I hate snow. (Have I mentioned that?) I have a big scoopy thing for the nasty deed..... Canadian Tire.. $40. That way I can PUSH the snow rather than lift it. I have a system.. first, I push the snow in front of my car into a pile near the fence.. creating a pathway to the backyard gate. Then I make sure I shovel and salt the front walkway (I am very considerate of the mail carrier... after all, would hate to miss that million dollar envelope from the Reader's Digest people.. hey, somebody's gotta win it... but I digress....)

I move the car up a bit and proceed to clear out behind the car using my handy scooping device... pushing the snow from my drive across the road and dumping it in the drive of an empty house.

Scoop one.. it is freakin' cold. My hands have already started to lose feeling in the tips of my fingers. Scoop two.. I have obviously made a wise choice to make "getting in shape" one of my New Year's Resolutions. It is obvious that I am not. Scoop three... I am seriously not having fun and by Scoop four I have that dry burning feeling in the back of my throat that you get from heavy mouth breathing in the cold air. Despite my extremeties freezing, I am sweating in my parka. I elect to go into the house for a little rest and warmth.

I rest for 5 minutes, put on an additional pair of gloves and get back at it. I am envious of my neighbours and their fancy snowblowers. Especially the guy who snowblows his drive with a smoke hanging out of his mouth and a beer in his hand. That's talent.. especially at 2 in the afternoon...

Not too many people out .. most of the neighbourhood other than yours truly seem to be gainfully employed. A couple of doors down there is a guy from a service doing someone's drive. We catch each others eyes and do the polite "smile and nod". I continue to attempt to plow out the end of my drive, when of course, I hit ice. And proceed to gracefully slide forward, hitting myself in the stomach with the bar of the scoop and landing on my face. In front of witnesses.

Hired guy actually comes bounding over to make sure I have not cracked my skull or broken a hip. He asks if I'm ok, and I respond that as long as public humiliation is not considered serious injury, I am ok. He laughs and I notice he has all his own teeth. And he's within my age range... and kinda cute. Gainfully employed and all your own teeth is quite a catch in this neck of the woods.

Hired guy then offers to give me a hand as he is pretty much done at the neighbours. As Canadians we are obligated to discuss the weather and the amount of snow. Scintillating. I make sarcastic comments, he laughs. Good times.

At this point I feel it necessary to point out that I was outside for rigourous manual labour, not to pick up. Therefore I was dressed accordingly in my downfilled parka and oh so chic Old Navy toque which I believe belongs to my son. Needless to say... I am hotness personified.

So, Hired Guy and myself are enjoying the comraderie of those who shovel.. It doesn't take us long to finish off my drive as he is, after all, a professional. Once done, I thank him again for his helpfulness and for not mocking me too severely when I wiped out. To which he replies:

"You're welcome........ MA'AM."

I had mixed feelings. Beat him to death with a snow shovel, or drag him into the house to look at the Facebook photos of me in a kilt so he could see what I REALLY looked like...??
DUDE, SERIOUSLY..... We are like, pretty much within the same age range!!!! However, now that I look at you, you really aren't that cute. And you appear to be kind of dumb. (Yes, my ego feels better...)

However, I did neither. As he stood there ....looking like he maybe expected a tip or something.... I responded in my best old lady voice..."well, you have a good day, SONNY" and me and my snow scoop went to clear the back yard with Mocha the Wonderdog.

Fuck. It's snowing again.
Life: Other than shovelling .. nothing much. But I did have a little job action today. *fingers crossed*
Love: Once again, sharing my bed with Mocha the Wonderdog. She`s a bed hog.
Pants: Down another pound. So far so good. 5+ lbs and counting...

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Smart and Funny Required. Idiots and Dumbasses need not apply.........

Well I had no one to kiss at midnight on New Year's. Sure, I had my BFF Jodi.... and Mocha the wonderdog, but it's just not the same thing.

Unfortunately, I have been "unattached" for a while now...... I was married for 15 years.. then had a steady boyfriend (who I shall call Fernando - he likes it, I already checked....) for over 3 years. When I decided to move to Central Ontario, Fernando was not too impressed. Originally it seemed as if he might join me, but after 6 months apart, things just weren't working out and he broke it off.

So, after my broken heart healed up a bit, I thought perhaps I'd enjoy some male companionship. However, I worked all the time.... and didn't ever meet anyone..... and so spent all my nights alone...... What's a girl to do?

Well, being the computer geek that I am, I thought why not try the online thing...? Soooooooo found a decent picture of myself, wrote some funny stuff, and posted a profile. And waited... but not for long..... I soon after starting getting emails from guys who apparently found me attractive. Super. Except for the fact that I did NOT find THEM attractive.

Listen, I'm not totally into money or cars or whatever. I am not super obsessed with the looks thing. Like, I like a good looking guy as much as the next cougar.. but I find really unusual guys attractive. I like funny and smart. As long as buddy's not hideous, I'm okay with that. As long as they can hold up their end of the conversation and make me laugh fairly regularly, we're good. But SERIOUSLY people.. some of these guys... it's not even so much what they look like, it's the fact that some of these guys are just not right. Not Mr. Right, Not-Right-For-Me... just not right in the head.

I think I'm reasonably good looking for my age.. I'm pretty charming and funny and intelligent. So WHY are all these OLD MEN contacting me??? Who are these 4o somethings who look like they're one of my parents' friends??? And who in the name of sweet baby Jesus do they think they are?? In their emails they abuse such words as "handsome" and "smart" to describe themselves. They then proceed to send me poorly written, monosyllabic emails and apparently expect me to likely swoon and let them ravage me.

Please enjoy a real email I received from someone who was interested in chatting... I did not make this up. This isn't even the "best" one:

hello there fun love to have i find humur in most things and yes i rock out to most music but i must say i love led zepplin the best i also love the outdoors camping canoeing having a few by the fire with some good jokes if i have sparked an intrest drop me a line or 2 .

I'm sure you can imagine the speed at which I responded to that. Typing so fast that the keyboard nearly started on fire. Riiiiiiiiiight. Did buddy really expect me to respond? My profile said I wanted SMART and FUNNY. Apparently in cyber world this translates to "I am looking for pretty much illiterate and still wearing the mullett he grew in high school".

Then of course there are the REALLY great catches.. the sex machines. The guys who email something reasonably entertaining and then once you start chatting with them on MSN... yikes! Normal conversation is "hey, how are ya? what's your favourite colour? Do you like dogs?" Not, "I want to dom you.. want to cam?" Just the kind of guy you want to take home to mother.

Sure, I've made a few online friends.. and there's still a couple of them I continue to talk to on MSN, so you never know. But on the whole, I guess it's just not for me. Therefore I hereby tender my resignation from internet dating. I've decided to go back to meeting boys the old fashioned way.... at the bar.

Life: Nothing to report
Love: Did you not read the above? Nothing to see here.....
Pants: Still down 4 lbs. However, I am starving.

So did I tell you about the time...?

I am one of those people who has weird things happen to me. Like, one time I met both Geddy Lee and Flavor Flav in one weekend.. and Chuck D took the pic of me and Flav! See. Photographic evidence. He was very polite and respectful. However I still do not understand what chicks see in him... but I digress...

So, weird things happen to me.. I meet famous people.. I win stuff... but sometimes I do NOT win stuff. That part is just sad.

Here's what happened...... I lost 2 million dollars in the last year and a half. I KNOW! The most recent time was on Lotto 6/49.. IF ONLY THE 7 HAD BEEN A 4!! I play the Encore each time.. I know some people think it's not worth it, but I know someone who knows someone who DIDN'T play the Encore and did NOT win the million. And to make matters worse, her corner store posted a sign in their window that said "JOAN SMITH LOST A MILLION DOLLARS HERE BECAUSE SHE WAS TOO CHEAP TO SPEND THE EXTRA BUCK ON ENCORE! DUMB BITCH!!" or something along that line......

So, I played Encore... my number was 1357699... and the Encore number was 1354699. ONE FREAKING NUMBER AWAY FROM A MILLION DOLLARS. You'd think that you'd get some good freakin' cash wouldn't ya? Nope. $10 and a free ticket. BITE ME ONTARIO LOTTERY CORPORATION!!

But, previous to that...... flashback to September 2007..... I land in Regina to go to Canadian Country Music Week. Of course, the first stop is the liquor store... and as am perusing the fine liquor selection, my cell phone rings...

"Hi, I'm looking for Elizabeth Warren... this is Patricia from 'Are You Smarter Than A Canadian 5th Grader'"...
"I've been waiting for your call...."

Yeah, I really did say that.....

So we proceed to have a charming conversation.. all the while I'm doing a little dancy dance in the Regina booze store.. WOOHOO! I am going to be on a freakin' game show and win TONS of money!! Because I AM SMARTER THAN A CANADIAN FIFTH GRADER!!!

I am charming and hilarious and Patricia is laughing.. she finds my answer re: what's the first thing you'd spend the money on to be hysterical.. I said I'd buy my son a trampoline (that is the deal if I win a lot of money.. I think that's getting off cheap...) She asks me to come to Toronto to do a screentest for the show.... I AM A SHOO IN!!!

THEN comes the proverbial bucket of cold water.... "Great! so you can be in Toronto the day after tomorrow?"
"Uh, I'm in Regina for a conference..."
"Can you come back?"
"Not till Monday..."
"Oh. We'll be done by then......"

Damn damn damn damn damn damn damn!

So I lost a million bucks. But it makes for a good story.

And if truth be told, I would have settled for $250K.
Life: No real change. It`s pretty ok.
Love: Only boys on the internet. More on this later.
Pants: Down 4 lbs since yesterday. My secret? Weigh yourself fully clothed at night and then naked the next morning. Gives ya a nice "kickstart"....

Monday, January 5, 2009

Twenty Dollars?!? You Got an Ass that Won't Quit....

So. 2008 was a helluva year.

To summarize:
  • Moved 2 hours away from my children and friends to work at a job I loved
  • Lived in someone's basement for 6 months
  • Got dumped by my boyfriend
  • Discovered that I was horribly allergic to Ibuprofen to the point where I used my EpiPen several times and looked like a misshapen freak.
  • My father was diagnosed with Leukemia
  • Bought a house
  • My daughter came to live with me in Barrie.
  • Got canned from the job I no longer loved
  • Bought a car
  • Put the house up for sale
  • Made plans to get outta Dodge.

Those are the highlights. Or the lowlights. Depending on how you look at it, I guess.

Suffice it to say that 2008 has not been my favourite years of those I have lived. I'm forty fuckin' four, unemployed, unattached and somewhat uninspired. Of the "uns" the only one I am NOT is underweight.

I have time on my hands.. and I figure that being the computer junkie that I am that I can use it somewhat constructively to evaluate what the hell is going on with my life through blogging. Or use it to mock others. Or waste time. Or post porn. Guess it will depend on my mood and how much I've had to drink.

The title you ask? Life would be fairly obvious I would think, but if you are marginally challenged, I shall explain... it will have to do with what is going on in my life.

Love .. *sigh*. Commenting on my love life. Or lack thereof more than likely. This is a touchy topic. Oh wait. There is nothing to report. Problem solved.

Pants. Who doesn't love pants? They have pockets.. you can put things in them! I found $20 in mine today! It was freshly laundered. I used that $20 to buy the bottle of wine I am now consuming .. and had enough change left to... uh.. put back in my pants. Pants also has to do with the fact that I'd like to fit into smaller pants. So I am going to work on that as well.

Bottom line.. I suck at New Year's Resolutions. I'm thinking if I write about it and post it where others can witness it, maybe I'll be forced to live up to them. So here they are in all their glory:

  • Get a job. Preferably one I love and can utilize my skills - mocking others and my insane knowledge of useless trivial information. I am thinking "game show host".
  • Move. I love the house I bought. LOVE IT. That's the biggest bitch about this whole deal. However, I want to live closer to Waterloo where I can see my kids more regularly and be near my friends and people that I love. Do they have any game shows in Waterloo?
  • Find me a boyfriend. I like boys. A lot. However, I seem to be somewhat smarter than many of them and this seems to scare them off. Or it's my insane good looks. Or my lack of ego. Or the fact that I have spent the last month in my rec room and actually don't meet humans. I am also removing myself from any internet dating crap (more on that another time). Time to put on my big girl pants and meet aforementioned humans.
  • Adopt a healthier lifestyle. i.e. more veggies, less crap, less liquor (unless it's a special occasion, like, Tuesday..) more exercise. This will be my greatest challenge as you actually have to get off the couch....


Life? meh.. could be worse.

Love? I have many people who love me. I'm sure it will all work out eventually.

Pants? I lost 3 pounds over the holidays and I found $20 in my jeans today. I think that's a good start.