Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Things Girls Hate...ok, specifically, me.

I guess I'm just feeling irritated...because I started thinking about all the things that piss me off.. all my pet peeves...all those little things that may not matter to others but drive ME crazy.
To relieve my frustrations, I've decided to vent via blog. If I mention you by name, please don't take it personally. (just kidding... no egos were bruised during the writing of this blog..) These are in no particular order as I just didn't feel like ranking them ...

People who use the word "Irregardless" - regardless is a word. Irregardless is a double negative. I feel less strongly about this as it has now become a "real" word since so many people use it. However, this makes me want to make up my own word, get a lot of people to use it and get my own dictionary entry. I need to work on it. I'll get back to you.

Leaving the toilet seat up - yeah, it's a bit rude.. but I don't really care. See? I'm not a total bitch.

Anyways - I know TEACHERS who say this. It is not grammatically correct and is like nails on a chalkboard for me.

Apropos - OK I'm an English geek.. this phrase does NOT mean "appropriately" it means "by the way". It's your lesson for the day. Oh. and people who can't be bothered to learn how to spell since they have spellcheck.

Pop up ads - I don't even think I have to explain this one.

URGENT emails - seriously. URGENT? Is someone bleeding? Did someone lose an eye? Need CPR? Here's the thing.. WHAT IF IT GOES IN THE JUNK FOLDER? You will NEVER get that Kidney!! If it's URGENT.. USE A PHONE!! Better yet.. go talk to your organ donor/workmate/person who owes you money .....IN PERSON.

Bad Drivers - we all have our moments.. but I'm mostly talking about young girls who talk on their cell phones, smoke and drive at the same time. AND the extreme elderly. It's JUST NOT SAFE PEOPLE!!

One Uppers - I went to Germany .. they went on an extensive tour of Europe for months on end. I met Flavor Flav - they were on "Flavor of Love" and nearly married him. I got cut out of a car - They were completely flattened by a steam roller but managed to survive.
I think you are picking up what I am throwing down.

Giggly Girls - women or girls who lose their shit as soon as there is testosterone in the room. Chicks who become some other being when there's someone with a penis witnessing their behaviour. Perfectly capable humans who suddenly become airheaded incompetents when there is a boy around. You know the type. AND you, too, want to slap her. Unless you are a man. THEN you want to sleep with her. I hate you both.

However, here is the coupe de grace (did I mention people who use ostentatious phrases?). THE pet peeve. The one thing that could make me go upside your head....

One of my biggest pet peeves in the world is when someone tells you that you look tired. Seriously. Why don't you just walk up to me and tell me that I look like a giant piece of crap? Essentially, that's what that means.. specifically coming from another woman.

Here's the thing: I have circles under my eyes. I ALWAYS HAVE. It's HEREDITARY.

In HIGH SCHOOL I can remember my sister and myself trying different miracle treatments from Shopper's and all.. I still have the dark circles. Just sometimes they are a little darker. YES, that means I am tired. OR it could mean that I don't have make up on... either way... you just told me that I look like something the cat dragged in. Maybe you mean well... but if you are a girl.. likely you don't.

It irritates the bejesus out of me when another woman says it.. You KNOW she is just being a bitch. Ya, you heard me. ONCE in a while there is someone that sincerely is concerned for your health (like your mom..) but most.. no. . they are just being catty. I have had various responses to that comment.. from "nope,I just look like this"... "thanks for pointing out that I look like crap"... and one time .. whilst in a particularly bitchy mood, I told some chick that I just found out that I had "tinea pedis" and was pretty upset. She looked upset for me and asked if there was anything she could do.. I said unless she had some Absorbine Jr on her.. I was a goner.
Yes, her IQ was likely in the double digits.

Likely, my biggest pet peeve is people who are rude. Just for no reason. I believe you can tell a lot about a person from they way they treat others. True show of character. Plus, if they are jerks, hopefully the Karma fairy kicks them in the ass.

So, suffice to say... you've been warned. Irregardless of anything else I've told you.

Life: While I retain my unique sense of humour, this does not pay bills. I am thinking of selling bikes from my front lawn. Thoughts?
Love: I love wine, trivia games and people who make me laugh.
Pants: I live in Barrie. I wear pants every day. Working out has kind of taken a bit of a back seat.. but.. I'm maintaining.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

It's legal in Ontario....

As is the case with most females.... I have boobs. And I like them. Consequently, I like to show them to their best advantage. I figure if you are looking at my boobs, you're not noticing my fat ass.

When I was a kid, we'd play house or what have you and suck in our guts so that our ribcage stuck out trying to make it look like we had breasts. Alternatively we'd go with the "stuffing ourselves" scenario... kleenex, socks, what have you. Even at a young age we were aware that boobs commanded attention.

Apparently, the boys mocked me considerably in Grade 6 (I found out much later...) I was one of the first to develop and around that time I had a shirt which apparently showed off my newly acquired features. They seemed to be somewhat afraid of me in retrospect... not quite sure how to react I guess... I've since learned that the presence of breasts can immediately render a man brain dead.

I got my first bra in grade 7 and I was SO happy.. I mean.. I grew up during a time when ALL the girls read "Are You There God It's Me, Margaret" and we were supposed to be SUPER excited about wearing bras and getting our periods (little did we know...). So even though it itched like crazy and was quite uncomfortable, I was thrilled. I can still remember sitting in grade seven math and having the teacher ask if I was okay as it appeared that I was having some sort of wicked allergic reaction due to my increased fidgeting and scratching in the chestal area.

Once I got used to the bra thing it was okay... for the most part. In grade ten I had a growth spurt and suddenly became a little more "attractive" to the boys... needless to say I did not rebuff these advances.. I rather enjoyed and encouraged them by finding THOSE kinds of sweaters.. the kind that accentuated my lovely protrusions and made boys want to get to know me better.... despite their awkward advances and monosyllabic chatter, I still liked the attention. Hey, I'm a girl.

Time passed..and I got married and pregnant with my first child. During the pregnancy, "the girls" became rather abundant as it were... as did the rest of me.. so really you didn't notice them too too much. The day after I came home from the hospital I turned to my best friend and swore up and down that I wasn't hitting on her.. but that she should touch them... just poke it with her finger.. They were as hard as ROCK and PAINFUL. Woohoo.....breastfeeding had begun. Actually, once it settled down, it was fine.. I enjoyed being able to breastfeed both my kids. It's kind of empowering being a good source of protein.

Now that I am well past that stage.. and a single chick.... I enjoy highlighting one of my better assets. It's interesting, I've had men out and out look down my top without even trying to hide it.. It's almost as if they expect them to jump out or something if they stare hard enough. I mean, I don't go topless or anything (although it IS legal, most women do not bother taking advantage of this law, much to the chagrin of most men...) however, I do wear tops that draw attention to that specific part of my anatomy. Hey, if I had great legs, I'd certainly be wearing something short.. so why not? I actually find it rather entertaining to have a reasonably intelligent man lose his train of thought because he's paying more attention to my chest than what I'm saying... I guess I'm a wee bit of an exhibitionist... but I'm not being lewd about it.. if the good Lord hadn't wanted me to flaunt them, he wouldn't have had me buy all those push up bras now would he?

Plus, as I said.. it's legal in Ontario.. and I'm only showing off the top half... ;)

Life: No update
Love: You'd think with all the low cut stuff I wear, I'd get lucky.. LOL
Pants: Still working on it.. but not "working my ass off" hard... gotta get back into the routine. However, as long as the boobs hold.. who cares about the pants?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Trying to Get Down.. to the Heart of the Matter..

The last month or so has been ... unusual. I'm not too sure what the cosmos has in store, but it seems to be one of those periods for me... One of those stretches where the past comes back to either haunt you or wrap you in a familiar embrace. There has been a funeral, some birthdays and several reunions of sorts.. occasions that cause me to get extremely reflective and nostalgic and have me comtemplating "what ifs?" and "what next?" as well as "what the heck is going on?"... what is the heart of the matter..?

My daughter's birthday was fabulous on many levels... but one of the highlights for me was seeing my friend Angie for the first time in years. She and I were neighbours in 2 different locations for more than ten years. We saw each other every day and went through relationships, break ups, births, deaths, crazy parties, crazy exes... changing locks in the middle of the night one time. Living as neighbours.. even working together at one point. We've known each others' kids since before they were born. And then we lost touch after I moved. I've missed her over the years so it was great to see her, catch up and commiserate. We are hopeful to get our relationship back on track once I'm a little closer geographically.

Several weeks ago I ran into someone I went to high school with whilst at the "Y". I knew she lived in Barrie and only recognized her through the magic of Facebook.. Then a couple of weeks ago I met up for coffee in Orillia with a high school friend of mine (again.. in touch through FB..) who is working nearby for a while.. coincidentally, next door to my old office. It was so great to see him. Then a couple of weeks ago a bunch of former co-workers got together.. we had all worked for the same radio station at one point. I hadn't worked with all of them.. but knew them all.. it was so much fun to see them. Got to see some people I hadn't seen for a very long time. It was a very good weekend. One of the best nights ever.

The following weekend I went to a reunion of people I had gone to high school with... mostly people who had been in the graduating class before me. However, it was still great to see people I hadn't seen in 20 years.. (okay, more than 20.. I'm super old..) The biggest drag was that my BFF and Hallway Patrol cohort Stephen Ross was not in attendance. He is truly the wind beneath my wings. (please note that he bribed/enticed/blackmailed me to insert his name into this..)
I saw people I hadn't seen in years.. some of whom I hadn't been super close with then.. but I like them.. but got the strange feeling that if the situation had been different we may have been BFF's. I really had much fun.

I got a call out of the blue that I had hoped to get many years ago! A friend who I've lost touch with a long time ago found me. He has a difficult job. Made it hard to track him down.. which I didn't.. he found me... he sounded exactly the same. We've yet to see each other in person.. but soon I hope.

My brother in law.. Joe.. lost his dad during this same time period. The daughter and I got a little lost on the way to the funeral (DAMN YOU MAPQUEST!!) and so were a little late. Freddie was a great man. He didn't run a country.. he was not a millionaire. But he was the type of man that everyone loved. Freddie was one of the richest men ever.

The church was packed. Obviously a beloved person. My favourite Freddie story ever is the one where he accidently ends up in the Niagara on the Lake Santa Claus parade in his beat green pick up truck.. but doesn't even get why people are driving so slow.. and people are waving at him.. till he looks in the rearview and sees "goddamned santa claus". And yes, that is funnier with a German accent.

Freddie was .. and still is.. awesome. But the thing that struck me most was the effect he had on others. He was the guy who didn't get the whole "coffee break" thing. Work didn't get done then you were taking a break. He got things done. If more people aspired to his work ethic.. things would be better. I am convinced of that. I can only try harder to be more like him.

So.. Long story short. ...I'm in a flux. I feel that the universe is trying to tell me something. The past is trying to influence my future. Likely, I'm supposed to learn something. I only hope that I'm not too old to learn new tricks.. or get down to the heart of the matter, as it were.

Life: Pass
Love: Taking the fifth
Pants: got some

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Animal Planet

As I was cleaning the backyard of the preponderance of poop the other day I started cursing the dog and the lawn missiles left throughout the winter months. It's during those times I wonder why on earth I have a pet. But then Mocha the wonderdog does something crazy and I laugh my head off and then I know why.

I like pets. I like people who like animals. I am not a crazy cat lady (despite my threats to become one if I don't get some male companionship..) nor a crazy dog lady.. but I do like having pets. I AM more of a dog person as I like the unconditional love (seeing as I'm not getting it anywhere else...LOL) but I like cats too. This in and of itself is a little strange because I am allergic to both to a certain extent. Not horribly so.. but I can't have them sleeping too close to my head. I woke up the other morning with puffy eyes as Mocha the Wonder Dog had practically been sleeping on my pillow.

I've had many pets.. my first were fish.. various goldfish purchased at Towers .. "starter pets" I like to call them. We had 3 goldfish - Betty, Veronica and Hot Dog. They didn't last long.. Over the years I inherited several goldfish from people who won them at carnivals and didn't want them, including Captain Highliner, Birk & Kirby and a bunch whose names I don't remember. When you get the carnival fish, they are supposed to croak quickly.. every time I got one, they lasted YEARS.. several years as a matter of fact. And I sucked at cleaning the fishbowl.. until invariably my mother would post a sign on it along the lines of "CONDEMNED" or "CLEAN THIS OR YOU WILL BE GROUNDED INDEFINITELY" or some such thing.. and how come then you could have a goldfish in a bowl forever and NOW you have to have some giant tank and $400 in accessories in order for it to live a week?

But I digress... I was about.. 9 I guess and the first REAL pet (i.e. one you can PET) was a cat that we named Tigger (wasn't everyone's first cat?) that we got free from someone in the neighbourhood.. One of those "if we can't find homes for these animals they will all DIE!!!" kind of deals... We wrongfully thought that Tigger was a boy.. so it came as a bit of a shock to discover that she was going to have kittens. We set up a "bed" for her in the basement (i.e. box with a blanket) so of course she decided to have the kittens in my mother's closet. There were five - One Eyed Jack, Salt, Pepper, Morris and Tigerstripe. My parents let us keep one of them.. and the rest we took to a pet store.

It was fun having 2 cats .. at least if you were a kid... One time my mother left a turkey on the counter after Easter dinner and came back mere SECONDS later to find the cats on the counter eating it.. It ALL went in the garbage.. I can also remember tasting cat food (Puss n Boots I'm pretty sure..) just because. Yeah, it doesn't taste anything like tuna.

Mysteriously, Tigger ran away after a year or so and we were quite upset. That was right around the time we discover that TigerSTRIPE was actually TigerLILY ... and not too long after that we discovered that she too was going to have kittens and my parents decided that it would be best if she went to live on my dad's friend's farm. Please note that it was many many years later (I was in my 20's) when I discovered from my parents nosy neighbour that no, these cats did not go to live on happy farm land, but they had been taken to the SPCA by my father. One of them actually DID run away when my dad tried to get her out of the car, but the other was taken into the pound. :(

Therefore, it all makes sense now... why my parents finally caved when I was in grade 6 and bought me a dog. Well, he was for my sisters too, but whatever... He was a poodle (I wanted a schnauzer).. and he was black with a white face and paws (called a phantom poodle.. who knew?) and his name was Jocko.

Here's something you have to know about me and my family... we suck at animal training. Hell, I can't get ME to repeat behaviour regularly (i.e. gym) so how do you expect me to get an animal to do it?? Jocko was a great guard dog .. he scared the crap of the doberman across the street.. he jumped on people when they came in the house... he also could climb a fence. In the winter, he figured out how to climb snowpiles and the frost fence to get out of the yard. He was a pretty smart dog who obviously we did not help reach his full potential. He lived a long time.. he was about 16 when we had to have him put down.. got him in grade 6 and I was married with a 1 year old by the time he had to go.

When I was 19 I lived away from home and decided to get a cat .. plus, my friend found a notice on the bulletin board in her building saying that if this person couldn't find a good home for this cat, it would be put down (see a theme here? I am apparently a one person animal rescue). He was completely black and I named him Mephistopheles. Yes, I realize that Mephistopheles is another name that is sometimes used for the devil... however, I got it from the Police song "Wrapped Around Your Finger"... it was not indicative of any devil worship. My mother refused to call the cat by this name and took to calling him "Francis".. however, since he was black, he was a "spooky Hallowe'en cat" and eventually became "Spooky".

Spooky was a very smart cat. When I moved to Kitchener, he came with me to my new home. He was an indoor/outdoor cat, and we'd leave the back window open a bit so he could come and go when he wanted. When we would get home we'd whistle for him outside and he'd come running into the house. One weekend we were away.. and when we got back he didn't come back.

He was gone for about a week and we figured something truly bad happened. But then one day a neighbour came to the door to ask if we had a black cat and one was in the yard... Spooky had been locked in the basement next door for a week (it was an apartment building).. he was limping and seemed to have hurt himself (we figured he fell down an old coal chute).. and had lost a lot of weight, but he was fine otherwise.

Spooky was around for a long time.. 15 years.. he was a really good cat. He eventually got really sick and one of the saddest days ever was when I had to have him put down.

Several months later the kids and I decided to get a dog.. we found one in the paper.. $35 for a Border Collie. The kids had a PD Day in November and we drove out to Listowel and got a dog from a pig farm. His name was Bill... but we renamed him Barley. We put him in the van.. he had never been in a vehicle before. The kids won him over with a lot of dog cookies... and we headed straight for Pet Smart to get him groomed .. he'd been living on a pig farm and STUNK. Then the dog cookies kicked in on the drive.... and Barley proceeded to puke and crap all over the van. WHY did I get a dog??????

Barley is a beautiful dog who is extremely smart. He's a herding dog.. so when the kids would toboggan, he would throw himself in front of the sled to make sure they weren't getting away.
Barley is a pig in a dog suit.. he'll eat anything. He'll get into the trash... he would eat other animals food. He looks like an imposing dog, but he is a really big suck. Barley is the daughter's dog... she is his favourite and he likes to sleep near her. He gets sad when she's not with him in Waterloo.

When I got my own place, I was on my own for a while and the kids were only there part time.. so I started thinking about getting a smallish dog to keep me company and told a couple of friends I was thinking about it. Sooooooooo of course, one day I get a call... I HAVE to take this dog because the lady who owns her is going to have her put down... one person animal rescue yet again. I told the son about the dog and he INSISTED we go right away and see this dog. We got to the house in Cambridge and this dog was INSANE. She would not stop barking and she was not super friendly. And of course, Josh loved her.. and she loved Josh. So we took her home.

Her name was Peanut.. but we renamed her Mocha (Jodi suggested something about her colour and it was based on a Mocha Frappucino... ) Mocha is half Wheaton Terrier and half poodle.. and all crazy. Before we got her, the people who had her BEFORE the lady we got her from (following that?) was abusive to her (the guy was). So she is not friendly to men... at all. However, once she likes you, she LOVES you.. and is very affectionate and friendly.

Mocha is a great guard dog... she regularly barks at anyone even REMOTELY near the house. I know I'm safe with her here... especially from the mailman and delivery people. She scared off some people the other day who were trying to convert me to something...
She has developed the habit of being a bit of a princess... my own fault.. She likes her food with a little chicken broth on it or a raw egg.... she rarely will eat it simply dry. (Which suits Barley just fine when they are together because then he tries to eat it).
She LOVES vegetables.. she loves broccoli and cauliflower. When she's happy to see you she climbs up in your lap and makes you pet her incessantly. She likes to sleep on my bed .. and is a bit of a bed hog. When she's happy to see you, she's the funniest thing ever and whines like crazy. It's pretty funny to watch.

So despite the poop, and the crazy barking... I love my dog. AND she keeps away people trying to give me religious literature on Saturday mornings...

Life: Nothing to report right now... still looking for a gig.. house still for sale..
Love: I love my dog. and I love cats too...
Pants: My dog does not wear pants. Or other crazy clothes.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Beth wants...

So.. did the "Beth wants..." Google game.. yeah.. I have time on my hands... Some are true.. some are not (I don't really want goats.. ) See if you can tell which might actually apply ;) .....

Beth wants YOU!
Beth wants to drop
Beth wants your photos
Beth Wants You To Know What I Look Like...
Beth wants to have a say
Beth wants to discuss her dad
Beth wants to change people's views
Beth wants Good Omens
Beth wants to go
Beth wants to let more people know
Beth wants hardcore action now..
Beth wants to play too
Beth wants her son to be happy
Beth wants to make a second impression
Beth wants things to be like they were
Beth wants you to experience what it feels like
Beth wants to become a professor
Beth wants to play poker
Beth wants to live
Beth wants people to know more
Beth wants to help
Beth wants to buy 2 dairy goats
Beth wants to know why
Beth wants to eat pasta
Beth wants to be free
Beth wants to dress up in PVC and jump out of a birthday cake
Beth wants a great column
Beth wants to hear that song again
Beth wants him to remain silent (!)
Beth wants to know
Beth wants everyone to get trained
Beth wants to motivate people
Beth wants to use her writing skills professionally
Beth wants to work for them
Beth wants to be one of your Little Women
Beth Wants To Go Travelling.
Beth wants a really scary mask
Beth wants to be the reason
Beth Wants It
Beth wants a quick solution
Beth wants to play with you
Beth wants a restful vacation
Beth wants to marry the blotchy old lizard
Beth wants a different kind of date
Beth wants to leave the past behind. ...
Beth wants to validate before disseminating.
Beth wants to be loved
Beth wants to be an astronaut.
Beth wants to thank all of you
Beth wants to be rich and famous
Beth wants to accomplish the impossible
Beth wants to be as perfect and interesting as her beautiful sister
Beth wants to know if you can make any Dragon puppets
Beth wants to know why
Beth wants to work effectively
Beth wants to take Mr. Obama’s money
Beth wants to increase opportunities for powerful connections
Beth wants one
Beth wants to increase opportunities
Beth wants to know what happened to the gravlax
Beth wants to remind you
Beth wants it back.
Beth wants to move up
Beth wants feedback
Beth wants beauty
Beth wants him to call her
Beth wants sex 24 hours a day!
Beth wants to get it.
Beth wants to earn it.
Beth Wants to get eternal revenge on them
Beth wants to bare all once again in an X-rated photoshoot...

Life: No news is not necessarily good news
Love: See above
Pants: http://2girlsdieting.blogspot.com

Beth Needs....

I decided to play the little Google game.. you type in your first name and the word "needs" .. and then leave them in the order you found them and post the Top Ten... I kept going as I was interested by the whole thing... there are also other variants.. "Beth looks like..." "Beth wants..." However, I did find this one somewhat accurate.. except for the Dutch Aruba thing.. I have the utmost respect for their laws.. and some people LIKE that I overexpose myself..... Judge for yourself which are true..

Beth needs advice
Beth needs to get out of the house
Beth needs to rediscover what made us fall in love with her in the first place
Beth needs money
Beth needs to come chill
Beth needs a considerable raise in salary
Beth needs to get a life of her own
Beth needs to look within at what she is believing about her weight
Beth needs to post tomorrows blogs
Beth needs a logo
Beth needs sleep
Beth needs a Realtor
Beth needs to retain the Women's championship
Beth needs to be on the show
Beth needs a dose of YODAA love
Beth needs to go back to school
Beth needs your help in getting to Cambodia!
Beth needs to go home
Beth needs a job.
Beth needs cash and agrees to go deep undercover
Beth needs help
Beth needs Facebook
Beth needs your vote
Beth needs now
Beth needs our prayers
Beth needs help
Beth needs to get away from this 'puter!
Beth needs people
Beth needs to realize that she has a problem
Beth needs to blow off steam
Beth needs new glasses
Beth needs a hobby
Beth needs her customers
Beth needs to know that she has many things she's learned from this job that she can take with her
Beth needs a helping hand.
Beth Needs a Laugh
Beth needs full support
Beth needs to be told what is appropriate and not appropriate
Beth needs a boyfreind
Beth needs better.
Beth needs to make comments
Beth needs more time with her family
Beth needs to be there
Beth needs to get ______
Beth needs a good kick
Beth needs plenty of volunteers
Beth needs mental help
Beth needs more information
Beth needs to stop dressing like a teenager
Beth needs to cover up her body instead of exposing it to the world
Beth needs to talk to someone
Beth needs to be needed.
Beth needs her rest.
Beth needs to mellow out or she'll have a heart attack soon
Beth needs to get real...
Beth needs some new stockings
Beth needs your number
Beth needs to survive
Beth needs to lighten up
Beth needs to hug your neck
Beth needs a lifestyle
Beth needs to work-up a new seminar
Beth needs to wait for the due process
Beth needs to respect the Dutch law of Aruba
Beth needs to measure the yarn.
Beth needs the job to help support her family
Beth needs a friend right now
Beth Needs Help...
Beth needs all the support she can get right now

Beth needs to be happy. ...

Life: Well, the clock is ticking and still no job. Cross your fingers for me.

Love: Flirting with a cute boy. That's all I have to report at this time...

Pants: I have slacked off with the working out due to applying for jobs and stress. http://2girlsdieting.blogspot.com if you really want details...

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

She Works Hard for the Money

While I am searching for employment and fine tuning my resume, I can't help but think about all the things I've done for which I've been paid.. (get your mind out of the gutter.) And therefore which to put on my resume.

For some reason as a kid I always wanted to make money.. (if only I had put away ten percent of everything I have earned! If only!). When I was about 5 I would go door to door and sell things.. I would go into my mother's garden and snap off the blooms of her irises. Then I would take those little ice cream cups, wash them out and put dirt in them and stick the irises in them and then sell them door to door for a nickel. My nice neighbours would buy them (knowing full well they'd be dead in a day) and I would have money for my habit.. penny candy. (note that there is no such thing anymore.. we are talking about the olden days here..) (also notice that I like using parentheses a lot..)

I used to have "sales" on my front lawn. I would sell things .. I can remember selling a silver brush, mirror and comb set at one of my yard sales and getting in trouble afterward for selling a fairly valuable item for about fifty cents. Or maybe a quarter. But I got licorice... delicious licorice.

I grew up in Hamilton Ontario.. so we got a lot of Buffalo TV and one of the things that channel 7 was a big promotion for MD Carnivals.. you would get the kit.. make money for muscular dystrophy and send it in.

However, even as a child I was evil and self centred. So instead of sending away for the kit, I just decided to make my OWN "carnivals" and keep the money...

My friends and I would make "rides" and have various attractions.. and invite people to the "carnival" and charge them nickels for the various entertainment. A neighbour friend had a little popcorn machine that we'd load up and sell little bags. I would also sell fudgesicles. Delicious fudgesicles. Mmmmm. My father would buy boxes of popsicles or fudgesicles for family consumption. I, on the other hand, felt that it was perfectly OK to sell the fudgesicles from the box for .. yes again.... a nickel.. at my little carnivals. Until of course where one evening my parents explained to me that I could go to PRISON for such activity as it said right on the wrapper "NOT FOR INDIVIDUAL SALE". I wonder if the popsicle police go to the same college as the mattress tag police?

My friends, Mario and John woud help out by dressing as hula girls and they would put on a show as "Mary and Johanna". We would put kids in an old baby buggy and push them around really fast.. a sweet ride for five cents. We also had some sort of tire swingy thing that we would put kids in, twist it around and let it rip.. fun until you bashed your skull on the metal clothes line pole....

My first job was babysitting. I would watch the kids down the street for a couple of bucks an hour. A pretty easy gig. Babysat lots of neighbour kids.. the kids of parents friends, stuff like that. Then my first "real" job.. as in, received an actual paycheque instead of cash job.. was working at a screenprinters one summer. It was an all right gig except for the fact that it was about a billion degrees in there. I had to use the big iron thing to put transfers onto hockey jerseys and such. I saw many large guys pass out from the heat. But it did teach me about what makes a good t-shirt... valuable knowledge for a future promo chick.

Waitressing for a catering company was a short lived gig. Mostly doing weddings and such. Worked one in a hockey arena one time.. you could hear the kids playing hockey during the speeches.. classy.. Of course it didn't help when I dropped an entire tray of coconut cream pies on the floor in front of the head table. I bowed, of course.

I worked at a BP gas station for a couple of years... my boyfriend's mom got me the gig. It was OK. I just basically collected money. It was an all right gig until money went missing from the safe (it was broken) and the owner wanted me to lie to the insurance company and the cops and say I was held up.

During one super fun phase I worked at the gas station, Ponderosa and Wendy's.. sometimes all in one day. Made for some long nights, but I was 17 and had boundless energy. I would never eat the food at Ponderosa. One time a guy dropped some steaks on the floor and the manager made him serve them anyway. Ewwww.

Through my college years I bartended a bit, waitressed at a family restaurant and at a pizzeria.

The pizza place was an all right gig except for the slimy Greek manager (nothing against those of Greek heritage.. I'm just sayin'...) Any night he and I were both working, Louie would offer to make me a "special" drink.. which basically was a shot of EVERYTHING on the bar. I would take small sips and swish it around my mouth so I'd smell like booze.. then pour it down the sink when he wasn't looking. He never understood how I didn't get hammered and therefore "easily taken advantage of".. freak.

While I was in college I got a part time gig writing news at CHCH TV.. it was a lot of fun. One of my favourite times was when Don Cherry came in .. he was going to dinner with the Sports Director, Dick Beddoes... Don thanked me for covering for Dick (I wrote the sports that day) and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

I also started working at CHAM part time doing news stuff.. which led to my first full time real job.. I started out as the traffic girl on the morning show and afternoon drive and eventually became the all night host, working 12am to 6am. I had a variety of characters call me overnight including a gentleman who liked to tell me about the many times he had been abducted by aliens. I would also get quite a lot of "fan mail" which struck me as being odd. One elderly lady thought my name was "Duff" and would send me articles out of the National Enquirer.. and she'd send me greeting cards that she wouldn't sign as they were "suitable for framing".

CHAM was a lot of fun and I made some great friends there.. many of whom I still keep in touch with.. and some I saw recently.

After thatI was the Social Director for a fitness club, managed a couple other fitness clubs (yes, hard to believe..).. for ONE DAY I was the manager of the Bay portrait studio (got a better gig the same day). I worked as a professional matchmaker for a dating service .. a few of the people I matched actually got married.. I worked for A.C. Nielsen Television ratings - I would go to people's houses and convince them to be a "Nielsen Family". I worked as a promo assistant as a radio station in KW for a while when I was pregnant with the first. After the daughter was born, I managed a laundromat and did people's laundry for a living. I washed people's dirty clothes.. with is why I am so great at laundry now. LOL...

During my pregnancy, I started working as a DJ for people's weddings and school dances and stuff for a DJ service.. New Year's Eve I was 7 months pregnant and people were SO drunk they wouldn't even help me carry things out. I did the DJ thing for a few years... it was good money. Worked in the office during the day and DJ'd at night on weekends. Then I got into working for not for profit and worked in housing.. managed volunteers, worked with volunteer boards.. I really enjoyed it for the most part.

I've waitressed, bartended, telemarketed lawn care, done other people's laundry and drycleaning, set people up on dates and made people burgers. Among other things.

Then I started working with my ex-husband on his music career. I did tracking, promotion, publicity, talent buying and all kinds of manager type stuff.. it was a tremendous amount of fun and a ton of great experience. I was nominated for a bunch of awards several years in a row.... Manager of the Year, Talent Buyer/Promoter...most likely to bounce while running, most likely to be found drinking tequila straight out of the bottle with the CCMA's Entertainer of the Year.... and some other stuff. Highlight of the whole thing was actually winning a few. First time I won an award I was in the washroom.. I came out of the washroom and people were congratulating me.. I had no idea why. I didn't even know the show had started... Got to meet a ton of famous people, but mostly got to meet a lot of awesome people and make a lot of great friends.

Eventually I got another gig in radio.. worked in Promo at stations in Waterloo, Midland and Orillia.. helped launch and relaunch a few stations. Gave away a lot of stuff, worked a lot, met a lot of super people and had a ton of fun.

But all good things must come to an end.. things change.. people move on. And now I'm looking for a new gig.

I've turned down a couple of things because the "fit" wasn't right.. and of course, the more time passes, the more worried I get .. what with the economy and such. But I figure worse comes to worse, I'll take whatever gig I can get when it comes down to it.. as long as it's not washing people's dirty underwear again.. :)

Life: Still looking for a gig...
Love: Sooooooooooo nothing to report here.
Pants: This is a bit on hold for the time being while I look for work... but still doing OK.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Condom Nation

I was recently having a conversation with one of my BFF's and we were discussing our sex lives. More correctly, HER sex life. The discussion surrounding mine is a short one.

"Hey, had sex?"

***Again, please note, that if you are my mother, you should not be reading this. We HAD A DEAL. To everyone else, if you send this to my mother, I will hunt you down and then do something really painful to you.. No, I'm not kidding..***

I live vicariously through my friends. It's all I have, really. (insert poignant violin music here). I mean, I have friends and good times.. and fun.. and American Idol on the big tv.. but as far as a romantic life is concerned, I must live through others' misadventures. I mean, I don't want graphic details (okay, maybe a little.. kidding, kidding...) but I do enjoy hearing about what's going on in their worlds. I mean, if I can't make out with cute boys, then I am happy that they get to. (Ok, maybe happy is not the correct word.. hmmm... maybe.. "seething with jealousy".. "green with envy".. I'll get back to ya..)

It was during one such coversation about sex and it's various hazards that I realized something that I think is very very odd. I'm a single chick in the 21st century.. I've been "sexually active" for a "few" years (none of them recent, I might add...).. and yet, I have never purchased condoms.

I find this .... bizarre.. to say the least...and maybe vaguely disturbing..

I mean, back when I was a girl... (I often like to sound like an 85 year old granny..) there wasn't as much talk about the spread of STD's and such (you are so regretting reading this right now, aren't you?).... I mean, condoms were primarily for preventing pregnancy back in the day.
And although my parents had hoped that I'd be a "good girl" and wait until marriage.... I eventually became, for lack of a better term... one of those girls that put out.

Now, seriously.. I'm exaggerating.. I had a steady boyfriend for years and was by no means a dirty pirate hooker or anything. Wait a minute.. There is no way on earth I'm coming out of this one looking good now, is there? So why don't I quit typing, you ask? Just delete you say!! I can't. I am already committed. There is no turning back. I am obviously a sucker for punishment.. and I obviously have arguments with myself that lead no where..

Ok, back to the story. So, I had a serious boyfriend.. and we had sex. But we did not use condoms. I used another form of birth control in order to avoid becoming a teenage mother. Then.. you know.. a few years passed.. glossing over any substantial details because you don't really need to know .... and then I got married.

Then I had baby #1. Then married some more, baby #2... then I got spayed... then married some more.... then divorced (I can certainly shorten a story when I feel like it...) Then a serious relationship for several years.

What I am trying to say is that I have pretty much been "in a relationship" most of my adult life and therefore have never had need for said prophylactic devices for the most part. I mean, sure there have been occasions where they have been deemed necessary however what I'm trying to say is I've never PURCHASED them myself. I've had no reason to do so.

But when I realized this the other day, I felt I should go subject myself to this.. what is normally a teenage rite of passage.. and I'm pretty old at this point.. so I felt that I should purchase some, just for the experience. And, I was at Shopper's anyway.... so what the hell.

I was at Shopper's to pick up some other random crap.. some lipgloss stuff.. some body lotion.. you know, the usual drug store stuff. Then I made my way over to the "personal care" section or whatever the heck they call it...

So I'm standing there looking at the stuff in this section... personal lubricants and such.. and realize that I have no idea what I am doing. I have "looked" at the section before whilst with friends who require said products. But I've never really paid much attention. So I'm not really sure what it is I should be purchasing.

Lubricated,Unlubricated (that does not sound pleasant).. Pleasure Max, Party Pack (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??) Extra intense, Intimate Vibrations... Supra, Magnum, Sensitive, Warm sensations... powerful pleasure? oh my... thin, ultra thin..climax control...oh dear.. spermicidal ultra smooth, extra intense, intense ribbed, vibrating ring!.. very sensitive, Super Magnum extra large ultra ribbed... and what the heck is a TWISTER? I think I am in over my head...

So while I condom shop, there are other people in the aisle and I cannot help but turn a bright shade of red. I mean, I am NOT the most easily embarassed person in the world.. but this certainly did it. Several times I extended my arm to choose a package of party favours .. and chickened out. I have not been this embarassed by vulcanized rubber since a kid in grade 8 blew up a bunch and batted them around during recess. Eeek!

Long story short.. I chickened out. After all, it's not like I have someone with whom to use said devices with.. and I'd hate to end up with the wrong kind. But I'll tell you this.. I don't think I want to be going out with anyone who purchases the "party pack".... oh dear.

Life: Still looking for a gig. Please say prayers and send money.
Love: Still looking here too.. please say prayers and send over the numbers of any boys you think I might like.. (kidding)
Pants: Still working out.. down a pound. Need to work harder. I'll keep ya posted.