An Awkward Conversation with My Mother

It was bound to happen sooner or later.. my mother has found out about my blog. Well, okay, I exaggerate. She KNEW about it.. I kind of told her at one point.. but I did tell her that she really shouldn't read it. After all, she'd likely find out about stuff that she really didn't want to know.

Like, the fact that my language is peppered with colourful phrases, of which she will definitely not approve. I cannot help that I am a somewhat expressive person who has a tendency to sometimes talk like a sailor on leave. I'm just that way. I also do not wish for my mother to be aware of my romantic situations (or more correctly, lack there of..). Not that I'm secretive or anything.. after all, I wouldn't be blogging the crap out of my life.. But it's one thing for friends or even complete strangers to know what you're doing.. BUT it's ENTIRELY DIFFERENT to discover YOUR MOTHER knows what you are up to.

When I was in high school, my mother would freak me right out. I learned at a very young age how to sign both parents signatures.. and therefore would forge "get out of jail free" cards once in a while to get out of class. However, after every afternoon of hooky, I'd come home to find that my mother already knew that I hadn't been to class!! SOMEHOW she would find out.. not from the school.. likely from a neighbour or whomever.. who may have seen me and my friends screwing around at the mall or what have you. THAT, my friends was enough to spook me straight (not straight enough to never skip again.. just to be more careful). However, it taught me that I really don't want her knowing any more than she absolutely has to.

It's not because I don't like my mother or anything. On the contrary, she is wonderful.. I love her very much. I enjoy spending time with her. I find my mother (both my parents actually..) to be very interesting, funny people with whom I can talk endlessly about various topics and enjoy every moment of the conversation. I just don't want the conversations to be about ME.. for the most part.. (unless they are telling amusing stories about what a hilarious child I was. That is acceptable.)

Anyhow, last week my mother and I were having a phone conversation and the subject of my blog came up...

"Your sister tells me that you've been writing things and that they are really funny"
"Oh, my blog?"
"Yes. She says it's funnier than the columnist in the paper here that writes about her life."
"Well, I AM pretty funny.. hahaha"
"When are you going to send them to me?"
"Send what?"
"Your stories"

*crickets*

"Uhhhhh... I'm not sure you should be reading my blog, Mother. *Laughs*"
"But why not?"
"uhhhhh... well... I'm not sure you WANT to know... plus the language..."
"Language?"
"Well I do swear occasionally...."
"Oh, Beth. You do not need to use swear words!"


See? I'm FORTY FREAKIN' FOUR, people. Yet, I am still about 15 around my mother. I just really don't feel that she needs to know certain things about me.. like about how men have sent me intimate pictures of themselves through the joy known as online dating... nor does she need to know that I have referred to myself as being "easier than a five year old's homework".... also not necessary for her to know that random 27 year old boys in bars hit on me.. or that the closest thing I have to a romantic life is flirting with boys online.. or that one of my favourite weekend activities involves corn liquor, hillbillies and random farm animals (okay, I made up that one for effect, but I think maybe you see my point...)

My mother and I eventually reached a compromise. I would send her the text of some of the blogs I felt she might enjoy via email, and she would not read them online. Really, it's for her own good. I am only thinking of her peace of mind and MY personal safety. So if you run into her, remember that I prefer to keep her updated on my charitable contributions and church related activities only.

NOW I just have to make sure she doesn't sign up for Facebook......

Life: Had a great weekend. Spent time with some old friends and with my mom. She bought me things. I love her very much. But I still don't want her reading this....
Love: I have nothing to report.
Pants: An ongoing battle. But I did have to buy a belt over the weekend for all my baggy ones...

Names Have Been Changed to Protect the Horny...

I enjoy MSN. I feel it's a lovely little tool.. you can chat with people at your leisure while you do other things. You can waste time... have a conversation while in the same room as another (this is very effective for work situations where you want to appear as if you are super busy but you are really complaining about your co-workers or the boss).

I like MSN because you can chat with anyone, anywhere. I have friends throughout the country that I chat with regularly because of it. I likely wouldn't really talk to them as much otherwise... I mean, it's not that I don't LIKE them or anything, but I wouldn't be phoning them all the time. But on a chat program you can just do the "hey, how are ya?" without really having too much to say.. I talk with my BFF's just to update on how the day is going.. without having to have a major convo. When my kids and I aren't in the same place, we can say hi... and just check in.
It's pretty cool.

The MSN is also great for getting to know someone. I actually have several MSN friends who I ONLY know online. I've never met them. One friend I've had for about 8 years.. he and I met on a gaming site. We've both "outgrown" it.. but we stay in touch pretty much daily. We like to watch American Idol together and comment via MSN on the contestants. (Oh yeah I rock..).

He is quite a bit younger than me and he's told me that I'm kinda like his "online mom". He asks me questions he'd never ask his real mom.. he'd be too embarassed. But through the safety of the internet and the "impersonalness" (is that a word? it is now...) of the typed word, it's less embarassing to ask those tricky questions... those ones where IF you were to ask in person.. you might blush at the answer. Or drop dead from embarassment.

So I've found that most people lose their inhibitions while on MSN...daring to ask and say things they normally would not do. And hey, I'm as guilty as the next online chick who pretends to be wearing lingerie but is really in track pants and a pony tail.... I admit I've had my share of evenings where one too many of glasses of white later, I'm sharing secrets I didn't necessarily intend to share....

The biggest offenders of breeching online etiquette seem to be those who partake in the online dating. Yes, we've had this chat before.. the boys get all riled up and next thing you know you are receiving an invitation to view the webcam image of internet guy's love rocket ready for take off... good times. Now you don't always get the invitation to view the live amateur porn.. sometimes you just get the dirty talk via msn.... or sometimes you get the wrong message altogether. And this is why... if you are having more than one MSN conversation at a time.. you MUST MAKE SURE YOU ARE TYPING IN THE RIGHT WINDOW.

Now, I've done it.. but it's never been anything stupid or serious. Just.. y'know.. an inappropriate LOL or something. However, I felt the need to address this as I was on the receiving end of a "wrong post" yesterday and felt that you could all learn from this. Learn how important it is to make sure you know where you are typing and to whom... because you never know when you are going to type something inappropriate to the wrong person and THAT person will blog about it.

So, "Bob" is a fellow I chat with occasionally.. he is amusing.. I find him entertaining.. and we've NEVER MET. Met online.. chat .. that's about all. So when I received the post.. well.. oh, just read it. And yes, names have been changed... I shortened it a bit for space.. but you'll get the gist..

Bob -Hey sexy!! Long time!!
Evil Genius. -hey how are ya?
Bob -same. bored. You?
Evil Genius. -ha
Evil Genius. -fine thanks
Bob -Move yet?
Evil Genius. -nope
Bob- Hows things otherwise?
Bob- Any bites on the house?
Evil Genius. -a few showings
Evil Genius. -no offers yet
Evil Genius. -soon I hope
Bob -me too.
Bob- I still owe you a dinner.
Evil Genius. -lol. Ok.
Evil Genius.- still looking for a gig.
Evil Genius. -woohoo
Evil Genius.- I'm getting down to the wire..
Bob -No offers yet?
Evil Genius. -two offers. both crap money
Evil Genius. -so I passed. now.. I'm kinda going.. eeeeeeeeeekkkk
Bob -Hold out!
Bob -trust me on this. career wise, never discount.
Evil Genius.- yes
Evil Genius. -I know
Bob -The most important thing to do is self promotion.
Evil Genius.- of that, I am a master
Bob -Good girl.
Evil Genius. -thanks
Bob -(DELETED EXTREMELY GRAPHIC SEXUAL EXPLETIVE) that night.
Evil Genius.- uhhh, excuse me?
Bob- Oops.
Bob -Wrong message.
Evil Genius.- ok then.
Bob -Sorry.
Evil Genius. -no probs
Evil Genius. -LOL.
Bob -Its a long story.
Evil Genius. -LOL ok
Evil Genius. -no explanation necessary
Bob -Good.
Bob -Too weird anyways.
Evil Genius.- lol
Bob- I'm single, What can I say?
Evil Genius. -LOL. you're allowed to do whatever you want. you're a grown up
Bob -I am.
Bob -However, it makes it hard to keep hitting on you.


So, my friends...that is your lesson for the day.. make sure you are typing to the right person before you hit "send". Because after all, what if Bob had also been chatting with his mom? Ewwwwwww!

Life: Still plugging away..
Love: I have a date this weekend. I may or may not elaborate. We'll see.
Pants: I am headed to the gym. Wish me luck.

Ladies Love Jordan Cooledge.. and some reasons why I love the K-dub

This past weekend was a big occasion.. it was my daughter's 19th birthday so we headed to Waterloo to celebrate. She wanted to spend her first night of legal age at the Stampede Corral whooping it up cowboy style.
Like, can ya blame her? Drinks, country tunes, cowboys... Okay maybe you are not into that sort of thing.. but we ARE. Long story short.... best 19th birthday ever! SOOOO much fun. Lots of people came out.. people we see often, people we haven't seen in AGES.. literally YEARS.

I got to the K-dub and headed to the Delta, as myself and the BFF's were staying there.. I had picked up some delicious LAKER (yes, a Waterloo product.. I used to live down the street from the brewery and love that smell...) for some cocktails beforehand. Driving thru KW .. it felt like home. I mean, I live in Barrie now.. and hope to head back to KW soon. Kitchener-Waterloo was my home for 20 years.. it's where I had my kids.. and still have lots of friends. Pulling into town felt "right". So many things that I love about it.

We got ready at the hotel, had a beer, mocked my hair and my tardiness.. and then went to grab something to eat. We went to a crazy little vietnamese place on King & Cedar(near the Fabricland) and had some super delicious soup. It was excellent and cheap.. the place is called Pho Dau Bo. Go there. It is delicious. K-dub Reason #1.

K-dub Reason#2, the party... at the Corral. The daughter got carded...LOL. Carrie came down from Sudbury... she travelled the furthest so she gets shout outs. Friends we had not seen in about 3 years showed up! SOOOO great to see them. We got caught up as best as you can in a noisy bar and when they left we promised to stay in better contact - and I think we really will.

So many good friends came out to celebrate the daughter drinking legally.. I didn't know doing dirty shooters could be so heart warming. Good times all around. Drinking, dancing, me whacking a beer bottle out of my friends hand and it crashing all over the dance floor... strange guys trying to pick up and providing us with much amusement... and a SPECTACULAR cake by Cherie!! (THANK YOU SO MUCH!! YOU ARE A GENIUS!) Some of the most fun I've had in ages.
Friday night was super fun.. but so was the rest of the weekend. Nothing too exciting to report.. I just.. had a really good time being "home". Saturday morning BFF Jodi and myself headed to my watering hole of choice.. Ethel's Lounge. K-Dub Reason #3... It is undoubtedly one of my favourite places in the world. (feel free to read my review at http://funnygirl.yelp.ca/ LOL)
I love Ethel's.. it's fun, it's funky.. you can have a beer with breakfast.. they give you pickled asparagus with your Caesar.. Stacy the lovely server will bring you extra pickled asparagus and you don't have to whine.... The owner gives me hugs (and sometimes grabs my ass)
I just love it. It was good to be back.

After Ethel's Jodi and headed to pick up the son.. Josh.. and headed out to the St. Jacob's Farmer's market. I love the market. The farmers, the fresh meat and produce.. the crazy guys yelling and offering free samples.. We wandered about, checked out some stuff.. got some apple fritters. Where else can you find such hard to find items as calves brains, cabbage rolls, hummus and a cookbook for dogs... ALL in one place?! Not too mention the fabulous gift items.. giant fuzzy blankets with animals or famous people on them... jewellery made of shells... candles shaped like wolves.. and hula dolls that play "Barbie Girl" while they dance... You know where I'M doing my Christmas shopping this year!! But I kid.. they have tons of great stuff... I just enjoy walking around looking at things.. Making Josh put his head in giant cutouts so I can take his picture.. mocking others.. more free samples. Wondering why on earth would someone need a giant dragon shaped sword.. things like that. K-Dub Reason #4.. Tons o' fun in Waterloo. I have really missed it.



Oh, I guess you're wondering about the title... Whilst at the Corral, Katy found written on the washroom wall:

and came out laughing her head off. I had to admit.. that I had written that several years before when we were all there one night. Because, we ladies DO love Jordan Cooledge. He couldn't be there Friday, but he was in spirit... K-Dub Reason #5 -- they appreciate my grafitti as art... LMAO.

Life: is pretty good.. lots of fun had by all. I would put the pics up on FB but the daughter won't LET ME till SHE does and she is taking her own sweet time.
Love: Ladies love Jordan Cooledge. He's the bomb.
Pants: more on that.. http://2girlsdieting.blogspot.com

19 Years Ago Today.....

I was laying on a table, waiting to be wheeled into the delivery room.

My daughter was born at 2:38pm on Tuesday, February 20, 1990. She is 19 today. She's FINALLY legal. And we will celebrate in true Warren form by partying it up at the Stampede Corral tonight.... I am sure it will be a blast.

I went into labour on Sunday, February 18th..... started having contractions and thought they were false labour. In the middle of the night, I woke up and realized that I was in full active labour.. her father woke up ..... because we had taken Labour & Delivery classes at Conestoga College we knew we had time. (hey, should I be putting that on my resume? I graduated....)

So I took a shower and shaved my legs (see how vain I can be?) and packed a bag.... We went to the hospital in the morning... My husband's sister Shari was staying with us at the time.... doing an internship at CKGL (when it was still country). She didn't believe that we were going to the hospital at first because we were so calm. When she went into work, she told a friend of ours that I was in labour. Danny wished us luck on the air. And THAT'S how my inlaws found out that they were about to become Grandparents!

We went to the hospital and I wasn't very dilated so they sent us home. We stopped at Blockbuster and got movies... I waited in the car. One of the movies was "Turner & Hooch"... the other was a drama... I can't remember... I didn't watch either... I was too busy being in pain. Finally in the evening we went back to the hospital. I sent my husband to the emergency clinic... he had pneumonia. I told him to go home because he was sick.. I remember spending the night wandering about and trying to read. I remembered NOTHING of what I read.

In the morning the doctor broke my water to speed up labour. Then they decided to give me an epidural as I had been in labour for so long. When my husband showed up with coffee it was about 9am and they wouldn't let him in the room so he thought something was wrong... they were giving me the big needle. They finally let him in and I was in no pain at all. So we played cards all day until I was dilated enough to have this baby.

About 2 o'clock they took us up to the delivery room. I pushed for a while, and there she was. She had black hair and blue eyes. 7 lbs 1oz. 19 inches of absolute perfection. She immediately breastfed well... we called her a little barracuda. But her given name ... Kaitlin Taylor.

Now, my daughter does not want me to say her name in my blogging... so this is the only time.. because even though it's her birthday, it's a celebration for me too as I'm the one who carried her for 9 months and pushed her out. Hey! Shouldn't I get a gift.. ? haha.

And she's 19 today. Holy mackeral. Time really does fly. Just yesterday she was squirming around in her crib.... racing around in her walker. She was the prettiest baby you've ever seen. People would stop me in the mall and ask to hold her. She was... and is.. beautiful.

Katy is one of the most beautiful people I know. Inside and out. She has an old soul.. being Pisces and all. She is a wonderful singer, a talented writer. She is smart and pretty and kind. When I was a Brownie leader, there was a girl in my group who had some disabilities and sometimes the other girls didn't want to hold her hand because she was "different". Katy would stand up for her, and always take her hand. She loved that little girl.

Katy was always the kid who brought extra snacks to school for the kids who didn't have enough. One of her best memories of Christmas ISN'T what she got one year, it's the time we bought gifts for a not-so-fortunate neighbour family. One time she painted her brother silver. I used to have to put a lock at the top of the door ..... she would build a tower to stand on to unlock it and run outside to play....she is my child after all...

She was 9 when she first sang in public - at TJ's Roadhouse in Kitchener. She sang "Tonight the Heartache's on Me" and she was awesome. Whenever there was a school assembly or coffee house in high school, she would sing. And she was wonderful.

She has had long, blonde to her waist hair.. fire engine red hair, platinum blonde hair.. some green hair.. black hair.. and the infamous fuschia pink hair. She had 11 piercings at one point and she has 3 tattoos.. Some of the other parents (and kids I'm sure) "labelled" her because of her appearance. Meanwhile, she is a good student, and has the biggest heart of anyone I know.

She's the girl who stays up till all hours helping her friend's through their crisis. She would sooner tear off her own arm than hurt someone intentionally. She loves her brother more than anyone else on earth and calls him her hero. She loves her dog Barley.. she even loves my crazy dog Mocha. She is kind beyond belief. She helps with the housework.

She loves her family. She was the first grandchild for both sides of the family.... and the only kid for 5 years, so she grew up around adults. She's an old soul and has always been mature for her age. Many people were surprised to find out she's JUST 19.. they thought she was older because of her demeanor.

We butt heads a lot (both being girls) but we always make up. She's one of my best friends as well as my daughter. I love hanging out with her. She makes me laugh. She is outgoing, yet somewhat shy. Nothing makes me happier than to see her happy.

She smells like vanilla musk. She is on the Dean's List. She is an excellent writer. I love her singing voice more than anyone else's in the world. When she was in Grade 8 she played Mary in the school pageant and sang "Breath of Heaven" and you could have heard a pin drop.

Although we are not together anymore, Katy's parents love her. Immeasureably. Without a doubt. Although she seems to have gotten a few of the bad traits..... it appears she got all of the good... thank God.

Katy is one of the kindest, nicest, funniest, sweetest people I know. If I weren't her mother, I would want to be her friend. I love her more than anything or anyone in the world (except for her brother. and it's absolutely equal..) She is beautiful, talented and smart. And I am so proud of her.

On this, your 19th birthday Katy, please know that I think the world of you. Happy Birthday.

Now let's get drunk. Legally.


Life: I have the best daughter in the world. How can it get any better?
Love: I love her. She is awesome.
Pants: Yes, I will wear pants to the bar tonight. Promise.

The SUPER EXCITING FRIENDS Celebrate Singles Awareness Day.

Have I ever mentioned that I hate Valentine's Day? Ok, maybe "hate" is too strong a word, but I think it's a load of crap. Although there is some basis in history behind St. Valentine's, it's mostly about spending too much money on garbage. (Yes, I know that you can argue that Christmas is far more commercial but don't bother because I will plug my ears, rock back and forth and sing "lalalalalalala".. in otherwords, I don't care.....)

The history of St. Valentine's day is murky at best. One legend contends that Valentine was a priest who served during the third century in Rome. When Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those with wives and families, he outlawed marriage for young men — his crop of potential soldiers. Valentine, realizing the injustice of the decree, defied Claudius and continued to perform marriages for young lovers in secret. When Valentine's actions were discovered, Claudius ordered that he be put to death. There are several other scenarios involving Valentine assisting people out of Roman prisons and ending up in prison himself.. sending his girlfriend a romantic letter signed "from your Valentine". Today, the Catholic Church recognizes at least three different saints named Valentine or Valentinus, all of whom were martyred. Regardless, all stories end up with Valentine being killed. I guess you could look at it as romantic. About as romantic as the baseball bat scene from the Untouchables, but whatever...

So yes, I understand there is historical significance, and yes, I was raised in the Catholic church so I get the whole saints thing.. blah blah blah.

But I still think it's lame. Don't get me wrong... it's NOT because I am extremely unattached.. I was not a big fan of Valentine's Day to begin with. From being in grade school and having kids feeling awkward because they didn't get as many cards as some other kids to feeling ostracized later in life when all your friends are paired up and you're not.... it seems more of a celebration of exclusion rather than the celebration of love.

Jodi showing how unimpressed she is with Valentine's Day..

And thus, Singles Awareness Day was born. (phrase coined and copyrighted by Jodi Crooks, 2009. WARNING: Any use of the term "Singles Awareness Day" without credit and suitable payment to Jodi Crooks shall constitute intentional infringement of Jodi Crooks intellectual property and Without further notice we will prosecute to the fullest extent allowed by law. In other words, JC will kick your ass. Believe me, I know...) I feel this is a fair and equitable term used to describe what REALLY happens on Valentine's day. Namely, we singles are basically "outted"... feel left out.. etc. Not that we CARE mind you. In fact, we do not, as we have our very own celebrations and you can't come. Well, unless you are single. Then OK.

Jodi and I getting gussied up for our big night.

This year the Super Exciting Friends celebrated Singles Awareness Day in Barrie Ontario. Now, you ask..... who ARE the SUPER EXCITING FRIENDS? Well, the group IS very exclusive and secretive. Mostly comprised of people who like to lay on my couch and watch movies. And drink liquor. Those are really the 2 major prerequisites to being a Super Exciting Friend. On this particular occasion, the SUPER EXCITING FRIENDS included myself, Fernando and my BFF, Jodi.

(Yes, I realize that it is weird to be spending what some call "the most romantic day of the year" with your ex. Thanks for pointing that out. It's cool. We're friends.)

The Super Exciting Friends decided that the S.A.D. Celebrations (it is COMPLETELY a co-incidence that Singles Awareness Day spells out SAD. Really. We are not depressed in the least) would be comprised of eating, and drinking. Yup, we had BIG PLANS. First off, we made a lovely dinner of pasta with shrimp and mushrooms. Very delicious. We had some drinks.. ate.. and then relaxed. And......pretty much nearly dozed off. Hence, our name... the SUPER Exciting Friends.

Fernando aka Flash Asterisk says "fuck you Coldplay"

So we got ready and headed out to someplace we felt the SEF's would feel comfortable celebrating S.A.D. A place called "Fitzy's Crab Shack". Not so much for the crabs, but because they have live bands.. We hung out, drank beer, mocked others. We decided to think of super hero names. We made fun of Coldplay. (Slogan: Life is depressing enough without listening to Coldplay) The usual. There was a guy dancing around like a crazy person, which we enjoyed. I tried to take a video of it, but his friends saw me so I had to pretend I was doing something else. There were some people with mullets.. we danced at our table.. we mocked others some more.. we drank beer. We drank more beer. We laughed, we joked, we had a good time. We had more beer. All in all we had a blast. Then we headed home.. had a night cap.. and packed it in.

The next day we joked around, ate bacon and eggs and determined that all in all it was a pretty good night. And then I dressed up in a ridiculous costume because we had decided that we are like sort of super heroish. But hey...... We had great food, we were with friends who loved us, had some laughs and we had beer. And really, isn't THAT what holidays are all about?

Life: Pretty fun sometimes.

Love: I love my super exciting friends

Pants: Yeah, my pyjama pants ARE pretty darn hot.

Weird Things Happen to Me (or why Kix Brooks and I are no longer on speaking terms...)

For some bizarre reason, I am one of those people crazy things happen to... I don't just have stuff happen... I have ADVENTURES.

I believe it started when I was a kid.... I was one of those kids who just always seemed to be getting into some sort of trouble or misadventure. When I was 5 they took me to the school to check it out because I would start kindergarten in the fall. All that summer my parents would get up in the morning and I'd be gone. Off on my bike. I couldn't ride a two wheeler.... I'd be off on the tricycle at 6, 7am.. cruising around the neighbourhood, looking for the school.

By all appearances many thought I was just very anxious for school. For higher learning. Truth be told, the day I went in... they gave us puppets and ice cream.. I could be bought even at a young age.

So I'd cruise the neighbour... thinking I went super far but in reality only a couple of blocks.. and could not find the school. I would end up on various neighbours porches.. usually my childhood BFF Julie's, calling through the mailslot "Joooooooolie... is you in there...?" or going to my other neighbours and singing various songs until someone woke up. I required amusement!! What is WITH all you people who sleep past 6am??

On another occasion when I was about the same age, my sister came screaming home with the news that I had been abducted by a witch. She and I had been walking along to our friend's house when the mother of a neighbourhood boy asked if we could help her. Sergio's mother was an Italian widow and dressed completely in black as Italian widows are wont to do... and unfortunately was no Sophia Loren..... no Gina Lolabridgida... she wasn't even as pretty as Sylvestor Stallone as I recall.
Regardless, Sergio's mother came running out to the sidewalk in a panic as she had locked herself out of the house and had to go pick up Sergio from school. She had no way to get back in and asked if we could help her. Well, "the witch" scared the crap out of my sister so she took off running. I, on the other hand, being the brave and adventurous soul that I am, followed her to her back door.

Please, let us point out that this was the '60's and at that time it was not unusual for children to be out and about in their neighbourhoods fending for themselves. It was a happier, innocent time.

But I digress.... I went around back to discover that Sergio's mother's BRILLIANT plan was to stuff me through the milkbox.

At this point I'm sure at least SOME of you say "Milkbox? What is milkbox?" It was a little cupboardy thing at the side or back of the house .. the milkman ("well kids" - she said as she rocked back and forth, clutching her shawl- "back in the olden days, there were trucks that would come to your house and deliver your milk fresh from the dairy"... "ooooo" said the younguns...) would put the bottles of milk in the box and then there was a door on the INSIDE of the house so that you could just bring the milk in! AND YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE!
**Please let me also point out at this time that when I was a kid we did not get milk delivery.. we bought it at the store. Sergio had an older house. Please see the photo of a milkbox from the inside of a house. Most are sided over in this day and age. **

ANYWAY... Sergio's mom picked me up and started pushing me throught the milkbox. At the point I was stuffed halfway through, headfirst, hanging over the basement stairs I realized that was NOT a good plan and therefore started screaming for her to put me down. As soon as my little running shoes hit the pavement I took off running. Mind you, not for home... to my friend's house. My mother and sister showed up at "the witch's house" a short time later and were told that I had run off. My sister was certain I had been turned into some sort of stew or pie I am sure.

I ran to my friend's house and remember wondering why she wouldn't just stuff her own kid through the hole once she picked him up from school. Regardless... I wandered the neighbourhood (or several blocks past) and eventually came home around dinner time..

So I believe that I have always somehow ended up in various situations where something odd happens.... usually to me. I mean, I've met lots of famous people.. the first "brush with greatness" was at Disney in grade 8 where my family and I saw Marcia Wallace (she used to be Carol on the Bob Newhart show and is the voice of Mrs. Krabapple on the Simpsons). I was too shy to talk to her so I took a picture of her back. Since then I've met Carrie Underwood, David Foster, Russell Peters, a couple of Canadian Idols, Wayne Gretzky, Flavor Flav, Shania and many many country artists. I even met Brooks and Dunn onetime at Casino Rama. They were nice enough. However, little did I know what evil was about to strike.

Brooks and Dunn ROCKED the show.... my two friends and I were on our feet from the opening bars of "Red Dirt Road". It was awesome and we had a blast. This was not the first time I had seen B&D, having seen them for the first time when they opened for Reba in the '90's. But each time I've seen them they are even MORE entertaining.. joking, playing, throwing stuff into the crowd. During the encore, confetti cannons went off.. streamers, confetti and balloons were falling from the ceiling.. and I was hypnotized by the spectacle... the paper slowly falling... me in some sort of weird trance...

Until.. WHAM!!! Something hit me right in the mouth! As my hands flew to my face, I saw Fernando and Jordan dive over the seats in front of us! I really had no clue what had just happened!! WTF??!!

The woman in front of us stood upright and was holding a cowboy hat.. Kix Brooks cowboy hat. That he had hit me in the face with. I was kind of shocked and a wee bit angry and startled. "IF I'M THE ONE WHO GOT HIT IN THE @#$% FACE I SHOULD AT LEAST GET THE HAT!!" She ignored me. I sulked. And noticed that my front tooth was slightly chipped and my lip a bit swollen. Hey, it HURT!

We went to the bar afterward and ended up having drinks with a couple of the guys from B&D's band where I told them my story and pretended that I was going to sue their boss. I continued this charade for several days, informing co-workers at the radio station that they must only refer to the band as "... AND DUNN" from now on as Kix Brooks was now dead to me.

Eventually I let it die although I still had the tiny chip out of my front tooth. But then Fernando was working with Brooks & Dunn on a promo tour and he told them the story and everyone laughed at my pain. However, they did send me an autographed CD. So I have forgiven Kix Brooks and will speak to him again, should we ever run into one another. It's no puppet and an ice cream, but I can still be bought.

Life: Working on it. Mind you, if anything interesting had happened I'd be telling you that instead of stories from my childhood. Perhaps it's some sort of therapy.. or perhaps I just like to ramble....
Love: Oh my. There is nothing to report. Perhaps because I stay at home in front of the computer all the time.... hmmm
Pants: Ok, I've been a bit slacky this week as I wasn't feeling 100% but I'm getting back on it. And most of my pants are too big.

***WARNING!*** MAY CONTAIN DISTURBING CONTENT

**HIDEOUS GRAPHIC PHOTOS ACCOMPANY THE FOLLOWING POST. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED**

A very disturbing thing happened to me this past spring/summer. Well, okay, several crappy things.... but there was one thing in particular that really seriously affected me deeply and earned me the short term nickname "Puffy" (if you call me that now, you will die a slow and painful death. You have been warned.)

I mean, I don't think of myself as a particularly vain person, however, this life altering event made me question how I truly saw myself.

It started in May... at least the major episodes. I woke up one morning..... horribly disfigured.

It was hideous. My eyes were essentially swollen shut. Not freakin' pretty. I had had minor swelling of the eyes before .... waking up a little puffy.. late nights, couple of drinks.. to be expected. But this was catastrophic. And gross. Mostly ugly. And puffy.

It appeared to be an allergic reaction, so I took antihistamines, iced my eyes and rested. Went down a BIT... but.... still puffy. I thought that perhaps Witch Hazel might help (relieves swelling and bruising.) NOT a good plan.. dried out the skin around my eyes so badly that I looked about 70. And it wasn't just the visual that hurt.. my pride mostly.. it physically hurt as well.

The skin around my eyes felt as if it had been badly sunburned... ick.

That evening, my roommates had a party. Fun. Me.. the forty fuckin' four year old, surrounded by 20 somethings.... always an ego boost. Compounded with the fact that I appeared to have been roughed up by loan sharks.... not the best evening for me. The eyes hurt and therefore I wore my extra fancy eye mask. At least I retained my self deprecating sense of humour if not my good looks.

This was a freak occurrence. Except..... several years earlier I had awoken one morning in December.. my face looking like Monica from Friends when they are doing a flashback and she's wearing the fat suit. Not pretty. And of course, I had to work. In fact, I had to be in a freakin' Santa Claus Parade. On TV. Believe you me, there is NOTHING more attractive than someone with a giant swollen head wearing a Santa hat driving a parade float. Like the Christmas version of freakin' Onkel Hans. THEN getting a close up on TV. "BOB! You'll need the extreme wide angle for that chick's fat head!" Zoom in. Close up. Nice.

Later in the day, Fernando was worried about me as antihistamines didn't seem to work and he took me to the hospital. After 12 hours, and much testing and the assurance that my liver was NOT shutting down (THANK YOU JEEBUS!), they determined that I had some severe allergic reaction, gave me a shot of Epinephrine and a prescription for an EpiPen.. but couldnt' tell me what the hell caused the severe reaction.

So, this past spring these episodes of eye swelling continued.... May, June, July... every couple of weeks.... WHAM! I would wake up with the worst swelling imaginable. I kept trying to find links... drank wine one night..... woke up looking like I had been attacked by bees. Didn't drink wine.. didn't drink ANYTHING.. next morning. I bore a strong resemblance to Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka.. just not purple.... .. Slept in Barrie... PUFF!.. Slept in Waterloo.. PUFF! There didn't seem to be any rhyme or reason behind it.

At one point I thought it was environmental.. like a neighbour had their lawn sprayed. Tried to find a correlation between what I had eaten and my sudden facial weight gain... nuthin.

I searched on the internet to find causes of eye puffiness.... lack of sleep, heredity, infection, crying, allergies, fluid retention... and tried various methods of trying to get the swelling to subside. Nothing. Nada. Denied.

Each episode would start in the morning... I'd wake up all swollen and puffy.. and it would take DAYS to get back to normal.. then once I did, the skin around my eyes would be all dry and messed and yucky. During the course of one month I had to use my Epipen 3 times when I felt like I was having some trouble breathing.. went to the hospital a few times... no one could tell me what the fuck was going on.

One day I woke up and all was normal.. looked pretty decent, etc. Went to work and was having some back pain so I took some Ibuprofen. After I took it, I thought about it and realized I had taken it too soon.... should have waited longer.... within 20 minutes I started feeling itchy...
and my eyes started puffing...and swelling shut.

I immediately shot myself in the leg AGAIN with the EpiPen and headed for the hospital. On the way, I called my mother and told her about my reaction... as it turns out, my youngest sister is allergic to Aspirin and Ibuprofen (it's derived from the same source as aspirin). What happens when she reacts? I ask..... Her eyes swell up. Super. Aren't I the detective. I mean, I KNEW my sister was allergic to Ibuprofen and it didn't even occur to me. Duh.

Since discovering this, I haven't had an "episode" however, had a minor reaction on the weekend to dust mites so made me think about this.......

I no longer take any sort of aspirin or Ibuprofen nor can I take NSAIDS (Non steroidal Anti Inflammatory Drugs) which kind of sucks since I have the arthritis. I have gone on herbal stuff for that in the hopes that it would not get worse or flare up and so far so good. I've also discovered the link between cutting back on coffee and the swelling (coffee has antihistamine properties)... and wine/Ibuprofen (seemingly the worst combination.. wine is a histamine...).

However, the most disturbing part of all this is that I discovered how incredibly vain I am. I didn't really think of myself that way... but when faced with the possibility of looking ugly... I realized that a) I do think of myself as being reasonably attractive ... and b)I do not wish to NOT be reasonably attractive. LOL. Yup. I'm so vain. I probably think this blog is about me..

Perhaps they were being kind, but once the swelling would go down, my family and friends would tell me that they didn't see any difference (Oh, I did...) and that I still looked lovely. I think they were lying to spare my feelings. Thank you.

Regardless, I count my blessings..... the damage to the tissue around my eyes does not appear to be long term. I believe I've narrowed down all the triggers and can avoid them and therefore not permanently look bloated and puffy. And hopefully this is a lesson learned that I must take better care of myself and watch what I put into my body. I try to drink more water. I try to drink less wine (unless I am with one of my many BFF's.. LOL) And I'm thankful that it wasn't something more serious.

Like an allergy to ALL alcohol. THAT my friends, would be a fate worse than death.

Life: Nothing exciting to report. Still looking for a gig. Still plugging away.
Love: Nothing to see here.... move along.
Pants: Pretty good progress here. Overall down 20 pounds.. have reached a bit of a plateau, but I'll get past it.

Johnny Cash Junkie, Buck Owens Freak

I've got this a few times but didn't get around to it... However, my gangsta friend, C-Phat Celestini inspired me to do such a thing. The hilarious part was that I do not have an iPOD or MP3 player, so in order to play, I had to put some songs on my computer. Yes, I have WAAAAY too much time on my hands.

I also would like to point out that many of these songs are quite sexual in this context. Which is annoying, considering the way the whole lovelife thing is shaping up (i.e. it's not... LOL).

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. Put your iPod or other music player on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the NEXT button to get your answer.
3. You must write that song name down no matter how silly it sounds.
4. Tag friends who might enjoy doing this as well as the person you got this from.

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Say it Again - Jason Blaine

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Who Wouldn't Wanna Be Me - Keith Urban

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Drunk on Love - Brooks & Dunn

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Rock n' Roll Ain't Noise Pollution - AC/DC

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Should I Stay or Should I Go - The Clash

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Strutter - KISS

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT OFTEN?
Big Cannons - Bobnoxious

WHAT IS 2+2?
Let Me Put My Love into You - AC/DC

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS?
Come On Get Happy - Partridge Family

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
I've Got the World on A String - Ella Fitzgerald

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP??
I'm Alright - Terri Clark

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE??
Be My Lover - Alice Cooper (woot! woot!)

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Wild West Show - Big & Rich

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Beautiful Mess - Diamond Rio

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
The Long Way Around - Dixie Chicks

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Cowboy Town - Brooks and Dunn

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Hells Bells - AC/DC

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Okay I Believe You but My Tommygun Don't - Brand New

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Rock the Monster - Bobnoxious

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Groovy Times - The Clash

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
I Learned that From You - Sara Evans

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Shut the Fuck Up - Brides of Destruction

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Bitter Fingers - Elton John

WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Better Life - Keith Urban

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Voice Inside My Head - Dixie Chicks

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Perfect - Danny Michel

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
One More Day - Diamond Rio

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
War Machine - AC/DC

WHAT WILL YOU TITLE THIS POST?
Johnny Cash Junkie - Brooks & Dunn

Life: Pretty fun.
Love: hm. Valentine's Day is coming. Just another reminder of my singledom. woohoo.
Pants: still working out but man, I gotta work on the diet. Or work harder. but the pants ARE too big.

2 Seconds Only Matters if You're in the Freakin' Olympics..

One of my greatest pet peeves in the world is driving. I love to drive.. except when I'm tired of it.. LOL. I tend to drive a lot (Barrie to Kitchener, KW to Barrie...) But my biggest complaint is so many people who think it's a freakin' RACE.

Seriously people. WTF?

I have been in more serious car accidents than most people. In fact, I think I've had mine and several other people's shares. And trust me, it is not fun to be on the receiving end of the jaws of life.. even though the name does sound kinda sexy.

So it irks me to no end when I see people driving like idiots. People driving all over the road, cutting people off... just basically behaving like jerks. You're driving through town at a reasonable rate of speed, and someone passes you like a bat out of hell.... making you think that there is some sort of emergency situation or at least a decent reason for driving like Steve McQueen in The Getaway... THEN you see buddy pull into a variety store. Or McDonald's. Apparently "Big Mac Attack" is an emergency situation worthy of exceeding the speed limit and endangering others.

It galls me to have someone BLAST by me, only to pull up behind them mere moments later at a light. Wow, dude.. you got to the red a full 2 seconds before me. Please let me award you this gold medal. Holy crap.

In July of 2005, my BFF Jennifer and myself were on our way from KW to Midland to have a lovely weekend and such... On the way there we were playing a little game we made up called "What's on the Side of the Road".. Just keeping a look out for unusual things on the roadside.. we saw a big aquarium, a toilet.. stuffed animals.. and then the highlight. We saw a midget mowing his lawn. Okay, actually he was a dwarf. (Please note that I am not prejudiced against little people in any way shape or form and regularly enjoy "Little People Big World"... the Roloffs rock. And the munchkins? Love them.)

Another sidenote: here is the difference between midgets and dwarves - midgets are small all over. Dwarves have normal sized torsos with smaller limbs. Again, please do not hate me for my discussion of the little people.

Regardless, buddy here was mowing his lawn. With a height modified lawnmower. The handle had been cut down to his height so that he was able to push comfortably. And this struck us as being HILARIOUS. We lost it. We laughed our asses off. Yes, we are going to hell. We already have our room reserved.

WTF does this have to do with bad driving you ask? Well...... we continued on our merry journey, still finding amusement with our little lawn mowing friend when we stopped on Hwy 93 just past Orr Lake while a car ahead of us attempted to turn left. We suddenly heard a HORRIFIC noise and I looked into the rear view mirror to see what I actually thought was a train ramming into our back end and turning the Plymouth Montana into a Smart Car.

See? We were punished for laughing at the little man mowing his lawn. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

However, what I'm getting at is this... this yahoo was BOOKING IT in a doubled binned steel recycling truck doing 110Km through a FIFTY. No, I am not kidding. He was pissed because he got called in to work on a Saturday and therefore was trying to get his run over with as quickly as possible. He was flying through this tiny little town ... going UP A HILL.. and by the time he realized we were stopped it was too late ...he tried to brake but PLOWED into us. When the emergency guys got there they were amazed we were walking. We escaped with minimal injury, but the van was a write off. All because buddy figured he'd shave a little time off his trip by putting the pedal to the metal. Well, turns out his trip took a helluva lot longer as he was charged with a variety of offences from what the cops told me. AND he's lucky he didn't kill us. Not to mention how lucky WE are.

Recently the daughter and myself were doing the Barrie to KW drive .. making our way westward on the 401 when some guy starts darting in and out of traffic without signalling... driving like a madman... then pulls up beside me and rolls down his window.

Scared shitless, but curious, I rolled down my window to find out what the hell he wanted.... and he proceeded to scream at me because apparently my high beams were on. As it turns out, I had inadvertently turned them on while changing lanes and had been behind him for a couple of minutes. THIS was a good reason to drive like a raging maniac all over the 401. My highbeams were already off but I thanked him anyway (you never know what crazies might have a gun...) ... rolled my window back up.... and watched him drive off... taking note that Speed Racer was doing about 130km on a freakin' spare tire.... with a busted back tail light. Thanks for the advice, dumbass.

However, I did not tempt fate by giving him the finger... instead, I give all bad drivers a bigass smile and a big ol' thumbs up when they pull a boner move. Think about it... you're basically saying the same thing....

Hell, I'd give them that medal, but they're driving so fast I can't catch 'em.

Life: is a Highway. I want to drive it all night long.
Love: I love the little people. Quit saying I don't.
Pants: I was wearing pants the entire time I wrote this. Really.

Please enjoy this picture of one of Barrie's finest... took the turn at a high rate of speed and ended up on a snowbank. That, my friends, is priceless.

Did I Shave my Legs for this?

As you are likely aware, I have been single for a while now. Yes, it's pathetic. Like, seriously, look at me... I can't get a date?? LOL I kid, I kid...
I just haven't met anyone locally who I am interested in... plus, what do I mean by "locally"? Hey, I'm in Central Ontario.... what happens once I move?
Plus, I don't know when or where I'm moving to. It presents a dating dilemma.

But I digress. Yes, I've been asked out a few times, but I have had no real interest. I am just not "engaged" with any particular local gentleman's (term used loosely) personality.. at least not thus far. I enjoy debate, good conversation, flirtatious chit chat. None of which is happening with any of those "gentlemen" who have asked thus far. And oddly enough, many are NOT in my "age group".. I keep getting hit on by 27 year olds in the bar (not like I'm in the bar a lot, but every time I am...)Seriously, it's a concern. The only boys that seem to like me are either way too old for me (in attitude, not actual years..cause like, I'm about 15 in my head.. oh make that 19.. I like liquor... ) or far too young.

Which brings me to this... why the hell do I keep shaving? For some bizarre reason, even though I have no chance of a romantic encounter of any type each day, I continue to shave. It seems fruitless. Yet, I continue to do it. I have dark hair and white skin (it's that combo of Irish and Lithuanian heritage..) and therefore have always been conscious of hair growth and thus feel the need to continually shave. But I do it poorly.

I suck at it. You think with all the practice I've had I'd be better.. I think it's because I'm impatient.. as well as I know I'm the only one who is going to appreciate the silky smoothness of my freshly exfoliated and hairless skin. *sigh*. Therefore I rush. And therefore my white bathrobe looks like a piece of evidence from the crime lab. Seriously. It is disgusting and now in the washing machine as we speak. I just cannot get through a shower without hacking up my legs. My lovely alabaster skin is covered in various stages of cuts, scrapes and scabs as we speak (oh, that is SEXY. That is TOTALLY going to get me a boyfriend...)

But, I can't stop. I can't even go a day without shaving. It's a conundrum, really. I think I should obviously be one of those girls who waxes, but that's a whole other problem.. First off, I just can't let the hair grow long enough.. Plus, the one time I attempted to wax anything south of the equator I ended up bruising myself so badly I looked like I had been beaten with a bag of oranges.

Oh well. I may be scarred up a bit, but at least I don't look like the offspring of Sasquatch and Cousin It.....

Life: Things are good. Nothing major to report.
Love: Even less to report here.
Pants: Headed to the Y now. I will keep said pants on in the changeroom lest someone mock my many nicks and cuts and Hello Kitty bandages.

My House.. is a very very very fine house......

When I moved to Central Ontario a year ago, I moved in with some friends for a while until I knew what I was doing. At the time, it was up in the air whether perhaps my son might move here.. or my daughter.. or my boyfriend. So for 6 months I lived in someone's basement while I sorted things out.

My daughter decided that she was going to move up here and go to Georgian for a year! Yay! I started thinking about getting my own place... Then June came, and Fernando let me know that he would not be moving to Barrie...in fact, we would no longer be seeing one another. I was crushed at the time (no worries, we are friends now and things are good.. ) but.. life goes on.

I needed a place for my daughter and I to live.. So I started househunting. Before I could buy a house I needed to get the financing and they told me I was good to go. Got myself a real estate agent and started looking. I wanted 3 bedrooms, a fenced yard, finished basement (if possible) and central air. In ONE DAY the daughter and I looked at 15 houses within my price range.. most of which could easily be used as suitable location shoots for "COPS" or perhaps an episode of CSI involving dirty drug use and hookers.

As a single woman buying a house alone, my housing budget was on the lower end, however, not hideous. However, some of the houses we looked at were. The first bunch we looked at were "conveniently located close to Georgian College". Uh huh. We looked at places that had been obvious student rentals.. yeah, not so much. Great for the daughter to get to class each day, however.... I was looking for neighbours who'd like to get together for the occasional barbeque, not nightly keggers. Aside from that, these houses were great.. if you enjoy living in a place that smells of stale beer and smokes and has obvious vomit stains on the carpeting. Good times.

We proceeded into some other neighbourhoods to try our luck and saw a vast assortment of vacant properties. On the plus side, immediate occupancy. On the minus side, much cleaning and reno would need to be done. One of my favourites was a house COMPLETELY decorated in wood panelling that had been owned for 20 years by a Catholic priest. Priests have no sense of decor. Just so you know.

We walked up to one house that still had an eviction notice on the door. As someone who's previously worked in housing, I should have known better than to even set foot inside. We walked into a place that OBVIOUSLY was not going to be my new home, but we had to continue the tour ..... you know, kind of like when you run across an accident and you just can't turn away.....

The house had the distinct aroma of a downtown transit shelter.... urine, smokes, barf.. delightful. The large fist shaped hole in the wall was a nice touch, and the stains on the carpet courtesy of dog feces really added to the ambience. The oven fan barely dangling by a wire from the kitchen cupboards was "artsy" to say the least.... and complimented the missing cupboard doors and broken banister. However, the piece de resistance was the basement ... not only was it not "finished" (unless you count some carpet remnants thrown on the floor...).. it was.. how do you say in English..? ... a shit hole. It looked like something one might see in the Saw movies (minus the gratuitous bloody mess...). There was a "door" leading to what one might call a "workshop" area.... please note the use of the "quotes" which is indicative of me using a term loosely....

The "door" .. or rather, what remained of it.. had once had a very large lock upon it which had mostly been pried off by a crowbar.. the bottom of the door had been broken off so that there was really only the top portion of the door left. Hanging from the ceiling were many electrical wires... and there were a lot of shelves in the workshop .... can you say "grow op"?

Needless to say after seeing houses with no backyard, ugly backyards, damaged floors, missing countertops, and various and sundry other shortcomings.. it was lovely to enter 12 Shaw Crescent.

It was a little grey sided house that's was completely renovated.. new kitchen, fresh paint, finished basement, fenced yard.. a deck....central air.. everything on my check list. The living room was Red!! (Red is my favourite colour..) We toured the house.. it was little, but it was a decent size for me, the daughter, the son (on occcasion) and Mocha the Wonderdog. We looked at it twice in the same day.... then put in an offer. By 11:00pm that night I had bought a house.

Then the fun part (that is sarcasm.) Although I was originally told I had financing, I unfortunately discovered that my credit rating sucked large ass. I had had financial troubles several years before and everything had been paid at the time.. yet, it was still on my credit record. People, trust me. Go get a credit check RIGHT NOW. Believe me, someone told me to a year before and I did not. It took weeks of calls, faxes, emails, etc to get it straightened out. It was hideous. Seriously, let me be your warning.... check your credit!

Once I got the financial worked out, and had to re-offer..... it was done. I was going to be a homeowner! I was very excited. I moved in August 22nd.... loaded in all my stuff from the storage unit, my friend's place, all my new stuff. Didn't have really much to do to it other than paint a couple of rooms and unpack. The previous owners left it in immaculate condition.

I love my little house.

So, that is the downside of all that is currently going on in my life. This is a super cute house. New roof, new AC, new flooring.... what's not to love? It's been a drag that my first venture into home ownership has been so tumultuous.... but it's been good as well. I knew when I walked into this place it was "my" house. Even if it's only supposed to be for a little while. I love the red living room, my sexy red bedroom.. the super cozy rec room.. my pretty little kitchen.. the LAUGH signs that I collect hanging on the walls. I will miss this house, however, I know there are going to be other houses, other homes...

The other day, the previous owner stopped by to see if there was any mail and have a chat. I hadn't met him before, just his wife.. so he felt compelled to tell me everything he had done to the house.. wanted to see any changes I'd made... (hint of the day.. before taking someone on tour of your house, make sure you have not left your bra on the floor of the rec room. I'm just sayin....) It was obvious that he'd really enjoyed this house. Just as I love it. But he then went on about his new house and how awesome it was.

As much as I will be sad to leave this, my first house, I've come to realize that part of the reason I love it so much is the things I put in it. My pictures, my things.. my childrens' things.. it is a very very very fine house. However, now I have to sell it..... But it's okay, because even though I've only been here a short while, I've still made some good memories. We had a great Christmas here.. some kickass parties.. some fun times on the party-o. But we will move forward. And we'll have other homes, and make them OUR house.. and make new memories.


NOW ... if I could just make a sale!!

Life: Trying to sell my house. Help me St. Joseph!

Love: Love this house... and... that is the extent of my love life pretty much. Thank you for asking.

Pants: I embark this week on a new phase in weight loss which I will be blogging about at http://2girlsdieting.blogspot.com.

25 (ok, more than 25..) things you may or may not have wanted to know about me.......

I received one of those "chain lettery" types of things via Facebook recently.. from several different people. You know what I mean .. one of those silly things where you write what you're wearing, your favourite colour, what you ate last.. etc.. I like when people think of hilarious things to write in there.. it amuses me.

So since I received this from several people, I felt I should really fill it out.. plus it had a different twist to it.. you write out 25 things others may or may not know about you. Then you tag people in it so that they know to read it.. and do their own.

I enjoy learning new things about my friends. I like getting these things. But because this one was 25 things about myself, I had a bit of a tough time thinking of interesting facts! My friends' 25 things were funny and moving and made me think. I am happy to get to know them better. And I finally came up with 25 things.. and then some........


Here are mine...

1 - Although I have been in love a few times, I'm not sure that I have been with "the love of my life".. yet. Yes, I believe he is still out there.

2 - Other than cracking my head open, the only bones I broke as a kid was my collar bone - I fell out of bed on a hot summer night and my dad had to take me to the hospital. I was ticked off all summer long because I had to wear a harness thingy and couldn't swim at the cottage.

3 - When I was 5 I was in the basement with my sister Barb. There was a potato bug and I threatened to step on it (Barb was collecting them... yeah I know.. odd kid). Barb said if I did, she'd hit me with a hammer... I thought she meant a toy one. She hit me over the head with a claw hammer and I went to the hospital. I still remember arriving with a big bandage covered in blood wrapped around my head and the nurse (trying to make me feel better..) said "oh my.. what a pretty headband!" I remember thinking "What an idiot!! I'm injured!" Kids are not stupid. Don't talk to them like they are.

4 - I love licorice. Red, black, green, purple. I love those licorice allsorts. I am eating licorice right now. My dog also loves licorice.

5 - I was told by a psychic that I was Italian in my most recent past life. I worked in the legal profession but was not a lawyer. In every life I have had an older daughter and a younger son. And in every life I have always put my family first and stayed with "the wrong man". In this life, I am divorced. I have also apparently already met the man who is my soulmate but we are not supposed to be together just yet. Hopefully soon.

6 - My biggest regret about high school is that I didn't ever try out for drama or the school play. I was way too shy.

7 - When I was 9 I wanted to be an electrician like my dad. I could splice wires and rewire stuff. I am quite the home handyman.

8 - I took woodshop in high school and Wayne Gretzky's uncle Ed was my teacher. He got Wayne to come to our school for the 20th anniversary.. and Ed introduced me. Wayne said "would you like my autograph?" I thought he was arrogant and said no. Still kicking myself.

9 - I have met many famous people.... Shania, Joe Cocker, Randy Bachman, Carrie Underwood, Flavor Flav, David Foster, Geddy Lee.... but my sister tops me... she met the Queen.. so did Jodi.. Oh, and Jenn met Princess Diana. They win.

10 - I am one of those people who win stuff. I won a transistor radio when I was 9.. I have won draws, a giant Snoopy, several 50/50 draws, money at the casino, some lottery money... I am certain that at some point I will win something BIG. I am an Aries/Dragon .. apparently we are lucky.

11 - The worst day of my life was in December 1994. I had had a serious car accident November 1, 1994 and fractured my pelvis.. I was 8 weeks pregnant.. they did an ultrasound and the baby was fine. A couple of weeks later, during a regular check up I had another ultrasound in December and my doctor called me December 9 (i think) to tell me the baby was dead. I laid in bed all day crying. I came very close to having a D&C except for Dr. Austrup who thought I still "felt pregnant" and did another test. The baby was fine. His name is Josh and he's now 13.

12 - When I was 5 and under I used to get up in the morning and leave the house on my tricycle before anyone else was awake. I would go to my friend Julie's house to call on her.. at 7am. My mother was horrified that I was knocking on their door that early.. but I reassured her.. I didn't knock.. I would open the mail slot and call "Joooooooooolie....... is you in there....?" I used to also go to the neighbours and sing into their mail slots... I was a weird kid.

13 - My mother made us take piano lessons as kids. I am sorry that she didn't make me continue.

14 - I still remember all the names of all the boys I had crushes on in grade school.. A couple of them ended up in jail.. I think my taste in men has improved. I hope.

15 - I was on an album when I was in Grade 6. Our school choir cut a record called "Music Unites the World" by the Hamilton International Festival Choir. I have a duet on there called "Was you Ever in Quebec?" with a solo part... I can still sing all the words. I was BORN to be in the music biz.

16 - I have been writing things in my head for years. I am finally putting some of that on paper.

17 - I don't think I've yet reached my full potential.

18 - I am confident that THIS time I will lose the weight and make a lifestyle change, not just diet.

19 - I am extremely loyal and rarely hold a grudge. I am very forgiving. I can cook anything. I am an extremely good cook. I love entertaining and cooking for others.

20 - I did not have many female friends growing up but have developed more "girl" friendships as I've gotten older. There are women in my life who I don't see too much, but they are always in my hearts. Most of them are tagged in this note. xoxox

21 - I find myself highly amusing and laugh at insane things. My sister Barb makes me laugh harder than anyone else. Jodi and Katy a close 2nd and 3rd... tied with Josh...and Carmen. I am surrounded by funny!

22 - The best thing I ever did in my life was have my two kids. They are the coolest human beings I know and I love them more than anything or anyone in the world.

23 - I am a wealth of useless trivial information. I excel at Trivial Pursuit or any kind of pop culture trivia stuff. I wish I could make a career out of it.

24 - I don't have a "type" when it comes to men. I don't have a certain "look" that I'm attracted to.. I like smart and funny.. If a guy makes me laugh, I find that sexier than pretty much anything. I had a HUGE crush on Steve Martin as a kid and loved SCTV. I love Will Ferrell, David Letterman, Mitch Hedberg and Greg Behrendt. I love comedy.

25 - I have a tattoo at the top of my back.. It's an Aries symbol.. I am getting another tattoo soon - it will be the chinese character for "Dragon" as I am a dragon in chinese astrology. There are 3 people I want to get tattoos with.. Katy, Jodi and the man of my dreams...


This list really made me think a lot... and I'm anxious to see other peoples' "25 things".. However, I kept thinking about things afterward.. so for blogging purposes, I've added some more...

26 - I believe in God. I also believe that God answers every prayer. Just sometimes he says no. I also hope that God is a fat, black lesbian. That'll teach the skinheads and the KKK.

27 - My grandfather died when I was five and my grandmother came to live with us until I was in grade 6 - then she went to live with my aunts in California. I was 20 my grandmother came back to live with us, or rather, to die with us. She was very ill with cancer. She came in January and died shortly after my 21st birthday. For days we knew she was going, but I knew that she wouldn't die until I left the house. I went out for about an hour and I KNEW when she passed. I still miss her everyday and I know when she is with me.

28 - I have weird dreams that sometimes tell me things.. I've had many weird psychic dreams that have come true. I also used to read Tarot cards but it freaked me out to tell people bad things so I've let it go. When I was five my grandfather was sick and I made him a get well card. My parents didn't take it to the hospital and I KNEW he'd never get it. He died that night.

29 - When I was a kid I thought that people kept growing and growing until they were giants. It did not occur to me that my grandfather was shorter than my dad.

30 - I explained sex to my sisters with Barbie and Ken dolls.

31 - When I was about 9 I found all the Christmas presents in my parents' closet in a suit case. Every Thursday night my parents would go bowling and the babysitter thought I was the most well behaved kid ever as I would go upstairs and keep to myself. In reality, I was taking all the Barbies out of the boxes, playing with them, and putting them back before my parents got home. I was busted when I told the neighbourhood kids that Santa was really your parents.

32 - I like to phone people (mostly Jodi) and play random songs for them over the phone when they come on the radio. Today, for example, she was thrilled when I called to play for her "Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch. Jodi puts the FUNK in Funky Bunch.

33 - My sister and I used to tell people that our grandfather invented Special K.. and that the "K" stood for Kubilius (my maiden name) .. but they shortened it to K cause Kubilius was too long to fit on the box. We also like to tell people our dad was the Amazing Kreskin.

34 - I have had a headache for 27 years. I have had several head injuries including slamming my head into the bottom of my parents' pool and ever since have had a headache. I've had to have a doctor come to the house to give me shots of morphine. For years I was dependant upon narcotics to the point where I could easily take 100 codeine pills in a month (equivalent to T3's).. I quit the pills a few years ago and just "suck it up" every day. Most days I am fine.. but the headaches vary in intensity. My doctor says I'm qualified to get legal pot. I'm not a fan, so I've never gone ahead and done it.

35 - Some of my favourite times are in the car, singing with my kids.. There are some songs on which we take turns singing harmony.. It's fun.

36 - For years, I told people (from the time I was a kid) that I was allergic to horses because I was afraid of them. And then I didn't have to go into the horse barn at the Simcoe Fair.

37 - I am still friends with pretty much every guy I've ever gone out with. Except maybe 2.

38 - I really want to go to Mexico.

39 - I really like swing and big band music. Sentimental Journey (Les Brown and his band of Renown with special guest vocalist Doris Day) is a fave. Bet you didn't see that coming.

40- Despite having been married, I've never been proposed to.

41 - My favourite flowers are lillies. The ones that smell good.

42 - I am allergic to metal.. I can't wear earrings, but someone always gives me a pair for Christmas. I say thank you.. as a result, I had to take out my belly ring. Oddly, the nipple ring is fine.....

43 - Other than having my kids, the proudest moment of my life is when I won the award for CCMA's Record Company person of the Year. I didn't expect to win. I only had an opening line for my speech.. "There have been very few times in my life where I have been speechless.. unfortunately for all of you people, this isn't one of them...." DAVID FOSTER told me I was funny and said he was going to use that line. If you ever hear him say it, tell him he owes me royalties.


That's all I can think of for now.. without giving away too many secrets..
And I'm super interested to see what everyone else reveals..

Life: Things are pretty good.
Love: There's a boy I like. That's all I can say.
Pants: Starting back hard core tomorrow....