2 Seconds Only Matters if You're in the Freakin' Olympics..

One of my greatest pet peeves in the world is driving. I love to drive.. except when I'm tired of it.. LOL. I tend to drive a lot (Barrie to Kitchener, KW to Barrie...) But my biggest complaint is so many people who think it's a freakin' RACE.

Seriously people. WTF?

I have been in more serious car accidents than most people. In fact, I think I've had mine and several other people's shares. And trust me, it is not fun to be on the receiving end of the jaws of life.. even though the name does sound kinda sexy.

So it irks me to no end when I see people driving like idiots. People driving all over the road, cutting people off... just basically behaving like jerks. You're driving through town at a reasonable rate of speed, and someone passes you like a bat out of hell.... making you think that there is some sort of emergency situation or at least a decent reason for driving like Steve McQueen in The Getaway... THEN you see buddy pull into a variety store. Or McDonald's. Apparently "Big Mac Attack" is an emergency situation worthy of exceeding the speed limit and endangering others.

It galls me to have someone BLAST by me, only to pull up behind them mere moments later at a light. Wow, dude.. you got to the red a full 2 seconds before me. Please let me award you this gold medal. Holy crap.

In July of 2005, my BFF Jennifer and myself were on our way from KW to Midland to have a lovely weekend and such... On the way there we were playing a little game we made up called "What's on the Side of the Road".. Just keeping a look out for unusual things on the roadside.. we saw a big aquarium, a toilet.. stuffed animals.. and then the highlight. We saw a midget mowing his lawn. Okay, actually he was a dwarf. (Please note that I am not prejudiced against little people in any way shape or form and regularly enjoy "Little People Big World"... the Roloffs rock. And the munchkins? Love them.)

Another sidenote: here is the difference between midgets and dwarves - midgets are small all over. Dwarves have normal sized torsos with smaller limbs. Again, please do not hate me for my discussion of the little people.

Regardless, buddy here was mowing his lawn. With a height modified lawnmower. The handle had been cut down to his height so that he was able to push comfortably. And this struck us as being HILARIOUS. We lost it. We laughed our asses off. Yes, we are going to hell. We already have our room reserved.

WTF does this have to do with bad driving you ask? Well...... we continued on our merry journey, still finding amusement with our little lawn mowing friend when we stopped on Hwy 93 just past Orr Lake while a car ahead of us attempted to turn left. We suddenly heard a HORRIFIC noise and I looked into the rear view mirror to see what I actually thought was a train ramming into our back end and turning the Plymouth Montana into a Smart Car.

See? We were punished for laughing at the little man mowing his lawn. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

However, what I'm getting at is this... this yahoo was BOOKING IT in a doubled binned steel recycling truck doing 110Km through a FIFTY. No, I am not kidding. He was pissed because he got called in to work on a Saturday and therefore was trying to get his run over with as quickly as possible. He was flying through this tiny little town ... going UP A HILL.. and by the time he realized we were stopped it was too late ...he tried to brake but PLOWED into us. When the emergency guys got there they were amazed we were walking. We escaped with minimal injury, but the van was a write off. All because buddy figured he'd shave a little time off his trip by putting the pedal to the metal. Well, turns out his trip took a helluva lot longer as he was charged with a variety of offences from what the cops told me. AND he's lucky he didn't kill us. Not to mention how lucky WE are.

Recently the daughter and myself were doing the Barrie to KW drive .. making our way westward on the 401 when some guy starts darting in and out of traffic without signalling... driving like a madman... then pulls up beside me and rolls down his window.

Scared shitless, but curious, I rolled down my window to find out what the hell he wanted.... and he proceeded to scream at me because apparently my high beams were on. As it turns out, I had inadvertently turned them on while changing lanes and had been behind him for a couple of minutes. THIS was a good reason to drive like a raging maniac all over the 401. My highbeams were already off but I thanked him anyway (you never know what crazies might have a gun...) ... rolled my window back up.... and watched him drive off... taking note that Speed Racer was doing about 130km on a freakin' spare tire.... with a busted back tail light. Thanks for the advice, dumbass.

However, I did not tempt fate by giving him the finger... instead, I give all bad drivers a bigass smile and a big ol' thumbs up when they pull a boner move. Think about it... you're basically saying the same thing....

Hell, I'd give them that medal, but they're driving so fast I can't catch 'em.

Life: is a Highway. I want to drive it all night long.
Love: I love the little people. Quit saying I don't.
Pants: I was wearing pants the entire time I wrote this. Really.

Please enjoy this picture of one of Barrie's finest... took the turn at a high rate of speed and ended up on a snowbank. That, my friends, is priceless.